It’s become cliché: Asian parents browbeat their kids into pursuing prestigious professions in technology, medicine or law, and their children suffer the resulting stress and depression.
So writes Pueng Vongs in her article “Inside the Asian Pressure Cooker“. From a 2001 survey of middle school students in San Francisco, she reports that “Chinese, Filipino and other Pacific Islander youths topped the charts of groups reporting symptoms of depression.”
For some, this “push to achieve is also often cited as a factor in suicide“, although other factors may also be involved in these situations.
For others, it leads them to deception, as in the astounding cases of Azia Kim and Elizabeth Okazaki, both of whom snuck into Stanford. (Yea, TWO of them! How crazy is that?)
Let me start with Elizabeth Okazaki, even though she was the second one found. For four years, Okazaki attended graduate physics classes, used their labs, chatted with various students, and perhaps even slept at their labs. The reason for her stay is not known, though “many students said they felt sorry for Okazaki, who they speculate is homeless.” One commenter even wondered if “she’s mentally ill, she seems normal at first, but after talking to her you get a sense she’s a little ‘off’.”
Azia Kim is a graduate of Fullerton’s Troy High School, one of California’s most competitive high schools. She pretended to be a Stanford student for eight months before being caught. Her elaborate ruse included telling some she was a displaced freshman, telling others she was a sophomore majoring in human biology, buying textbooks, studying for exams, and sneaking into her dorm room through an open window because she didn’t have a Stanford student ID.
The reaction has been varied, from “What a psychopath, seriously. Serious mental problems” to “I think that Stanford should probably let her stay. After figuring all that out, doesn’t she deserve a shot to do it for real!”, according to the comments on that article. One parent also wrote, “Hope parents learn from this unfortunate situation.”
And that’s what struck me. Little is said of the parents, or the reasons for Azia Kim’s actions, though the article offered this hint:
Friends aren’t sure of her motive for sneaking onto campus and living a lie, but many speculate that she felt pressure from overbearing parents to attend Stanford — regardless of whether she was admitted.
While it’s pure speculation, I can’t help but wonder if parental pressures are involved here. Vong’s article cites a number of anecdotes about the heavy academic demands of Asian immigrant parents. “For the bulk of Asian parents it is all about succeeding, and there is no middle ground.” “Oftentimes Asian immigrant parents don’t know how to give positive reinforcement or show their kids that it is OK to make mistakes.”
But before we blame all our parents for all our problems, let’s look at it from their point of view. Many Asian immigrant parents come from disadvantaged backgrounds and are trying desperately to give their children a better life. In other words, they have the best of intentions and sometimes flawed executions. Says Sandy Dang of the Asian American Leadership Empowerment and Development for Youth and Families:
Many are refugees. Others were brought up with corporal punishment, and that’s what they know. Others are orphans of war. How do you teach someone who has not been parented to parent?
Indeed, how do you teach anyone to be a good parent?
Mix that in with the stigma of mental illness, and you have a bitter recipe. One that puts perhaps an unrealistic burden on children, without the necessary emotional and social support they’d need to properly cope.
Is that the case with Azia Kim and Elizabeth Okazaki? I have no idea; perhaps Stanford’s investigation will reveal more.
But if so, I want to end this entry with a ray of hope. There are organizations trying to help, as Cheryl Wills of NY1 reports in her coverage of Asian-American Heritage Week. In her article, Wayne Ho, the executive director of Coalition for Asian-American Children and Families, explains that his organization’s goal “is to challenge the stereotypes that all Asians are successful and let the community know that we do have needs and we need services in order to address these needs”. Their projects include mental health services for children & related support for their parents, child abuse and neglect support services, school improvement projects, and advocacy skill-building workshops. Though they mainly serve the New York City area, they are affiliated with similar organizations across the US. (Disclaimer: I was once involved with CACF and have a friend there.)
If you or someone you know may benefit from such services, please reach out to them. Especially if you’re thinking about pretending to be a college student somewhere!
(Hat tip to jozjozjoz (and Ernie!) for the Stanford stories)
Other posts you might be interested in:
Blog RSS Blog Comments RSS
jozjozjoz wrote:
Hat tip to Ernie, too!
Posted on 26-May-07 at 3:33 pm | Permalink
Ernie wrote:
One kinda interesting thing of note, though I won’t get into details:
Azia Kim has a profile on FaceBook. Her quote is as follows: “You are what you pretend to be” — Kurt Vonnegut
Posted on 26-May-07 at 4:11 pm | Permalink
Mike wrote:
Not that I’m surprised, but her Facebook profile is empty now, except for her picture.
Posted on 26-May-07 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
jennifer wrote:
okazaki has not been officially confirmed by Stanford as an “imposter” student.
the story of Azia Kim is astounding!
Posted on 27-May-07 at 4:28 am | Permalink
Luke wrote:
As a Korean-American, sadly this does not surprise me one bit. Pretty much any Asian-American can figure out why she did this. All this BS Korean parenting is finally getting exposed. My sister got into Stanford and when she told my uncles and aunts their response was “Then how come you didn’t get into Harvard.” Seriously, what kind of crap is that? If my sister were caucasian, black or Latino, then getting into Stanford would have been a monumental occasian. Only Koreans could find something negative.
I love and am very proud of my heritage but I am NEVER going to raise my kids like Koreans do. I’m going to raise them like Americans so they can be happy. I’ve met too many Asian kids who wanted to be writers, actors, chefs, fashion designers, etc… who have had their dreams shot down by overbearing parents and who are now depressed and bitter. All this pressure coupled with the fact that Asian parents are consistently negative and putting you down is going to make a lot more Azia Kims and a lot more suicides.
Posted on 27-May-07 at 8:37 am | Permalink
Akrypti wrote:
Are we seriously blaming the parents for the child’s fraudulent conduct? Asian parents pressure their children to excel because they realize it’s a dog eat dog world out there and if these children can’t handle parental pressure, then how are they ever going to prevail under the pressure the real world imposes on them?
The missing factor in most taditional Asian upbringing is reminding the children that they’re unconditionally loved. That’s the root cause of wayward Asian children, *NOT* Asian parents’ imposition of strict standards of achievement.
Posted on 27-May-07 at 12:31 pm | Permalink
Mike wrote:
Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize my entry sounded like I thought it was just parental pressure that leads to these issues.
I agree that what’s missing is emotional and social support from parents, which translates to what you’re saying, Akrypti. I probably could have worded this entry better, I guess.
Posted on 27-May-07 at 2:59 pm | Permalink
palma wrote:
well i’m a 1.5 k.a. mother. i finished schoo, had a good job, all those things before becoming a mother—an older mother.
from my upbringing i can relate to all the previous posts about the negative aspects of growing up in a 1st gen. k.a. family…all the expectations.
it wasn’t fun. family life sad to admit wasn’t fun. you could never meet any expectations. even here in my forties, it still frustrates me thinking about it.
now that i’m a mom i realize just how conditional everthing was….unconditional love, acceptance, was not present.
i’m also quite sympathetic, empathetic to the way my parents lead their lives and raised their family but now as a parent i just find it startling how everything their children did just wasn’t enough…they had to achieve more and more .
as luke stated i would never raise my children this way. even writing this short blob makes me frustrated.
Posted on 30-May-07 at 1:34 am | Permalink
Mike wrote:
Luke & Palma,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. A friend (who coincidentally happens to be Korean American too) once told me that the most important thing she learned from her parents was how NOT to be a parent.
Posted on 30-May-07 at 3:43 pm | Permalink
Elizabeth Fong wrote:
My cousin committed suicide when he was a junior or senior in high school in large part due to depression about his poor grades (C’s, D’s, and F’s) - throughout, his mother had insisted that he go to Stanford and had been excessively pushy, in denial about what expectations were realistic for her son. The amount of pressure that stereotypical “Asian” parents exert upon their children in vicariously living their lives through them is often abusive and can even rise to such tragic and horrific proportions as causing suicide.
Posted on 31-Jul-07 at 6:39 pm | Permalink
8Asians.com » 8Asians.com’s Top 8 Posts of 2007 wrote:
[...] Push To Achieve Tied to Deception Vong’s article cites a number of anecdotes about the heavy academic demands of Asian immigrant [...]
Posted on 31-Dec-07 at 4:21 pm | Permalink
8Asians.com » Asian Carrera: Truly Baring All: An Asian American/Asian Canadian Blog wrote:
[...] written in detail to how her parents put tremendous amounts of pressure on her, something that many Asian teenagers struggle with. As to her naysayers, she wrote this while still in the middle of her porn career: I know some of [...]
Posted on 10-Jan-08 at 11:00 pm | Permalink