Andrew Lam of New American Media has an interesting article on Alternet about the self-esteem movement that could be considered kind of a counterpoint to J. Peter’s recent post about the sometimes insanity-inducing pressure some Asian kids feel to be academic superheroes. I think both Lam and J. Peter make some good points about two extremes and their consequences. The academic pressure-cooker felt by many an Asian or Asian-American student has seemingly led to incidents of violence, suicide and fraud (see links in J. Peter’s post). Meanwhile some researchers in Lam’s article point to the American self-esteem movement for creating a “MySpace generation” of narcissists (also capable in my opinion of horrific behavior).
I’ve lived a little of both worlds but not under any one extreme. I did feel like it was my obligation to do well in school and I’ve only been told once in my life (by my dearly departed Tita P), “I’m proud of you.” I admit it felt both very gratifying and very foreign. Because such direct praise was novel to me, I often wondered why my white friends sometimes got paid (on a sliding scale – B’s were still worth something!) for good grades. Paid for good grades?! When I told my family about this phenomenon, laughter ensued. I mean, serious, belly shaking laughter as well as head-shaking and talk of those crazy American parents. I wonder, do those friends of mine now suffer from narcissistic tendencies and hideous myspace layouts? I know that I still suffer from sometimes overwhelming guilt over not having exactly followed the traditional college-degree, profiteering route, but I’m not about to go psycho (any time soon). Nor do I resent my family for not lavishing me with praise for the times I did do what was expected of me.
What do you think? Did you grow up under either extreme i.e., impossibly high academic expectations or constant praise for merely existing?
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6 Comments to “Is too much self-esteem bad for you?”
yoko wrote:
I was punished for getting a B in Physics in high school. I wasn’t allowed to get anything less than all As. Getting money for a good report card was not even something I could approach my parents with.
I do think I had to overcome a certain amount of low self-esteem when I got to college and beyond. It does still feel funny for me to call attention to my strengths, say, in a job interview– but sometimes looking too humble is seen as a weakness, in my experience.
A martial arts teacher of mine once said, “Daydreaming is not confidence.” Meaning, you can say all you want about being about to do something, but just thinking that you’re capable, and actually showing ability are two different things. I think that speaks a lot about how we often need to prove ourselves by doing and practicing a lot.
Posted on 10-Jul-07 at 12:50 pm | Permalink
courageous kiwi wrote:
… and that’s why it’s so disconcerting to hear Kobayashi make excuses for losing to Joey Chestnut. How un-Asian.
Posted on 10-Jul-07 at 3:00 pm | Permalink
Akrypti wrote:
lol.
I can’t recall whether I ever got paid by my parents for good grades, but I definitely got paid for playing the piano. One dollar for every hour I practiced. I know–it’s worse than minimum wage. The money added up though. I remember by the time I graduated from elementary school, I had like $250 to my name, which is a HUGE sum to a 11 year old.
Anyway, I grew up with neither of the above. My parents never imposed ridiculously ambitious expectations on me nor did they ever praise me. Ever. Instead, they simply encouraged me to try my hardest at whatever I put my energies into. They only expressed their disappointment when it was obvious I didn’t try. Other than that, as long as I was happy, they were satisfied.
I don’t think that’s a bad way to raise kids.
Posted on 10-Jul-07 at 5:19 pm | Permalink
jenn wrote:
For me, there was definitely never any praise nor was there ever any encouragement to join group events like team sports or girl scouts…ever notice that trend amongst Asian kids? Well, that’s a different subject I guess. There was though, the expectation to do well in school. Gawd forbid you should get a “b” in math! I think I spent almost every saturday as a kid in Kumon while my friends got to do cool things like have a lemonade stand or play little league. Oh, the horror of remembering pages and pages of long division and multiplication tables!
Posted on 10-Jul-07 at 9:11 pm | Permalink
Xxxtine wrote:
I remember watching the press conference with the cast of Brokeback Mountain when it first premiered in Toronto. Actors Jake Gyllenhaul and Heath Ledger were asked about what it was like working with Ang Lee. I found it rather interesting that they were confounded by how little praise they received when they knew they nailed a scene. They called it ’slightly manipulative’.
For me, I receive very little praise if any, partially because my parents are all that excited about my wanting a career in the arts and also, they know very little of the industry I work in. Growing up, I was always encouraged to try out and learn new things more so than come home with A’s (though that isn’t to say they didn’t want me to strive for them.)
And yes, too much self-esteem is bad. William Hung was an OK guy before people started deluding him. Lots of people respected him when he said, “I have no training. I tried my best and I have no regrets” after he was flatly rejected. Now people just laugh at the mere mention of his name.
Posted on 11-Jul-07 at 11:56 am | Permalink
joanh wrote:
LOL. Not only did I never get paid for good grades, but also didn’t get paid for chores AKA an allowance. oh well.
I always thought it was funny that the Kumon smiley face is not very happy.
Posted on 12-Jul-07 at 2:16 am | Permalink
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