Why don’t we talk more about sex!??!!?

Me thinks you WANTED to get caught.

as one of my sisters was sexually active in high school, she and her bf were sneaking around. so i knew when my roommate was out of town and i gave my sis my bedroom while i camped out at my roomies. (my roomie, who is also chinese, said she didn’t know whether she could stomach handing over her bed to a sexually-active sibling. i just thought it was safer sex if they didn’t have to fumble with a condom in the back of a car). however, i WOULD NOT touch the sheets. i made them take the dirty sheets to the laundromat.

see, i wouldn’t have an issue w sexedup sheets from friends, but i DO with my sister. weird.

I generally avoid these topics whenever I can with anyone I’m related to…

Or actually it covers everything from “Do you like him?” to “Are you sleeping with him?” and “Do you want to marry him?” This is the benefit of such vague metaphorical euphemistic questions- it kind of just covers this entire CLOUD of questions at once.

They will ask this about every guy I mention, every male name. Even people I mention who are time zones away. Which results in me saying things like- “No, he’s not my friend. He’s just my friend!” and “Not every guy is a friend, Dad.”

or dialogues that go like

“Is he your friend?”
“He’s married.”

and

“I met the owner of this local cafe today. He was nice.”
“You know, businessmen are always concerned with money.”
“Dad I just said he was nice, I didn’t say I wanted him to be my friend.”

I won’t pretend that these conversations don’t annoy me. But it’s also kind of cool that we can totally talk this way and know what we’re talking about. Like when he says “businessmen are always concerned with money” he’s saying all at once, if you marry a guy like this, this is what will be on his mind, is that what you want, is that what your values are? As well as the general typical bundle of questions that come with whether someone’s a friend, and what it means for someone to be nice.

The only thing that comes close in my experience, is when my mom tried to draw Florida. We both chuckled, but never spoke words. She just scribbled it out.

“Huh?” I asked. “None of the careers I’m thinking about are dangerous…”

“No no, I mean… you know… that you should always be safe…”

I still didn’t follow and stared at her with a dumbstruck expression.

“With your girlfriend. Be safe when you’re with her.”

That was the first time we came close to the topic. After college, I found out she began watching Sex and The City. And occasionally, the show would feature a topic that confused her. So she’d ask me. “What’s a menagerie a trois? What’s tea bagging?”

Let me tell you – nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING is more awkward than trying to explain to your Mom what tea bagging is. (I just changed the subject and never answered it.)