(Every so often, we here at 8Asians get e-mails asking for advice. Here is one such e-mail from a white girl with an Asian boyfriend — let’s call her “H” — asking for advice on how to deal with her boyfriend’s mom now that she’s pregnant with his child.)
I have had the incredible good sense to get knocked up with [my Asian boyfriend's mothers] grandson, due in January. I live with the baby’s father now, and consequently that means I live with her, too.
I should note that it’s also fortunate for me there is a significant language barrier. To date, I have endured: my clothes being hidden, replaced with strange clothes, rearranged -being chaperoned to my OB visits (where she like to play with the reproductive flip charts and ask in broken English what part does what) – eating God knows what because it’s good for pregnant women and I am not nearly the size I should be to give her the size grandson she needs to save face in the Chinese community for having fed me the last months of the pregnancy – attempted molestation with a towel to demonstrate “nipple toughening” (this was a situation where the language barrier was not to my advantage) – opening of my mail – crib feng shui – and the latest adventure, roaming the halls of Babies R Us doing a baby registry.
Neither she nor the baby’s father are (openly) unkind to me; and I have to admit, not being allowed to do housework and being stuffed like a Christmas goose aren’t the worst things in the world. It’s just that I have lived here two months and I don’t feel any closer to adjusting to the dynamic than before, and if nothing else wanted to provide some entertainment and gain some insight to someone who does understand the culture and could give me some perspective?
One side note (if it makes a difference to my tale) we aren’t married. And at the moment, the thought of this life (for the rest of my life) is hard to fathom. Do the Chinese have it wrong? I don’t think so — look at where the push for independence has left the majority of American families. There just has to be a happy medium somewhere … If nothing else, someone somewhere has to be going through what I am going through? Right? Right? I guess I just need an answer to one question: is there hope for compromise, or does one just need to bow down to the all powerful Asian grand/mother?
So, potential for hilarious sitcom aside: does anyone have any good advice for “H”?
(Flickr photo credit: Luke & Courtney Barrett.)
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8 Comments to “Ask an Asian: I’m Carrying My Asian Boyfriend’s Baby”
Ernie wrote:
So the thing you gotta understand is that Asian moms are weird but they mean well. They’re going to be weird to white people (I’m hearing stories about pretty much the same with a gay couple, minus baby) and they’re weird to their Americanized children, it’s just that they’ve spent all their lives getting used to it.
The other thing is is that your husbands mom is crazy stoked to have a grandchild. Grandchildren are huge in Chinese culture, and if you have a son, holy FUCK look out. So the weird stuff that she’s doing is so she can feel justified that it’s not her fault in case the baby has issues. (And the baby won’t have issues, of course. But on her watch she won’t take chances, which is why you’re drinking that weird soup oh god I totally feel for you.)
Posted on 03-Nov-08 at 10:17 pm | Permalink
Ben wrote:
I agree. Although from the whole independence angle? Beware. In American culture, you might get away with talking back to elders, but in Chinese culture (depending on how Eastern that family holds as far as values), talking back could be disastrous.
There is a fine middle ground somewhere for the two cultures to mesh, but growing up with both? Good luck.
Asian parents do mean well, as Ernie has said but there also is an hierarchy of power by age.
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 5:41 am | Permalink
stan wrote:
I agree with Ernie and Ben. She really just means well, and the language barrier I’m sure is frustrating for her too. And emotions are something that language isn’t needed to express. Asian mothers and grandmothers will freely dispense advice on all kinds of child-bearing, even when they are not asked for.
I have found that it helps to keep an open mind, especially when receiving advice from Asian elders. It might help to do some research into what she is doing, maybe even up-one on her by doing something she would approve of without having her show it to you. That would give you so much more respect from her.
I might be biased, because I’m *Asian*, but I get along really well with Asian maternal types, mostly because I try to understand their perceived quirks and strange advice. Most of the time, they usually are in lament that their children or offspring will not get to experience the perceived benefits of tradition, and will inadvertently just try to force them on their children and family members (you’re carrying her grandson, so you’re family).
I have a lot of biracial family members, and cousins who take their multicultural (Chinese, Dominican, Puerto Rican, and White European) heritages in stride. There are always the Asian grandmothers who will give advice, which isn’t really different from Latina or White grandmothers, but the best part of this is an opportunity to mix and match different traditions and approaches to maternity. Some of those soups really help with complexion during pregnancy, and hey, you’re getting centuries of advice passed down through generations from a country that has the largest population in the world!
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 8:15 am | Permalink
Jeff wrote:
I like some of the advice above, particularly doing your own research into traditions and maybe even language. “H”, it doesn’t seem like you are working at the moment, so this might be a really good use of your time.
I just finished a post on extended family (http://www.8asians.com/2008/11/01/wheres-my-furniture-adventures-with-extended-family/), and my advice to “H” would be to start preparing for life in that situation. There are plusses and minuses. Your child will get to spend time with grandparents, something that many kids don’t get, and they may even get a chance to learn another language. If you go back to work, you have some ready daycare at a low or no price. Doing the scramble to look for daycare can be a painful and often expensive experience – if you don’t have to do that, consider yourself very lucky. A negative to look out for is that everyone eventually will get each other’s nerves can that can make life at home very tense.
FWIW, I’d also recommend that you make plans for getting back to work, especially if your boyfriends’ mom is willing to watch your baby while you are at work. That will get you out of the house, as staying at home with the baby all the time can be tough. It will also give you more control over your life, something that you don’t seem to have much at the moment. Also, as Ben mentioned, you are currently low on the hierarchy of power, and contributing income to the household could give you some more power in that situation, as well as prepare you for eventually moving out.
Also, if you think food suggestions are weird now, they can get even weirder. I remember my mother-in-law who lived with us would push various soups on my wife in order to help produce more breast milk!
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 10:02 am | Permalink
Bo wrote:
H, I feel for you.
As a Korean woman with a very pushy (although always well intentioned) Korean mother, I see many a similarity between your predicament and that of my white partner. My mom means well, but she often leaves my partner feeling very overwhelmed and completely befuddled.
Know that every single thing she’s doing comes from a place of love. I’m not trying to be sarcastic. It will drive you crazy. It will make you want to punch her right in the nose and it will make you want to cry. But always know that she’s doing everything to try and make it better for you.
Here’s a story from my life. When my mother found out that I was running in the NYC Marathon last week her first reaction was to punch me in the arm and tell me that I can’t run. Now, my Americanized part of my brain was thinking “Hey, that’s mean. Where’s the support?” but my Korean brain was thinking “I know she doesn’t want me to run because she doesn’t want to see me get hurt and doesn’t want to see me doing something that will be physically grueling.” In her own way, the punch in the arm was her way of saying “If I could run the marathon for you, I would.” Of course I ran the marathon, and my mom was right there 300 meters from the finish line, cheering me on, giving me hugs and kisses, and pinching my arm telling me I shouldn’t have done this. All with the proudest smile on her face.
So, here’s my advice. Try to use your baby’s father as an intermediary as much as possible. It really is his responsibility to help his mother understand how her behavior may not be entirely culturally appropriate. I definitely stand as a watchguard for my partner and would never ask him to try to navigate the thorny world of Asian mother territory.
Whenever possible, just smile, nod your head and then do whatever the hell you want. That works well for me. Asian parents are used to their Americanized kids doing stuff that they don’t entirely approve of.
Worse case scenario, you do have a blow up with her and you tell her exactly how you feel and how it’s a violation to you etc… etc.. The thing to keep in mind is that most Asian mothers have really thick skin. They’ve lived through wars, communist regimes, and horrifying racism in America. They can take a little push back. They may not like it, they may react horribly during the moment, and they may say that it’s the end of the world but they are tough, tough women and they will rebound. She’s not going to disown you because you are carrying her grandchild. And she might actually learn something.
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 10:20 am | Permalink
Ben wrote:
What Bo said. Couldn’t have said it better. Unless the mom’s crazy. Then all bets are off.
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 10:27 am | Permalink
Julie wrote:
1. Smile and nod a lot. Then do what you want anyway.
2. Is it possible for you and your guy to get your own place??
My 2 cents
Posted on 04-Nov-08 at 8:32 pm | Permalink
Josie wrote:
i love the above advice about smiling and then doing what you want. it so works. i’m asian but don’t speak my mother tongue; whenever i come across older asian ladies, they’ll just chat and chat away in vietnamese, and all i do is smile and nod my head. they always end up telling my mother how good i am, all without my actually having to do anything. it’s fabulous. as for the nipple toughening…..wow
. you’ve got support, that’s got to be rough. all the nodding and smiling in the world might not have helped you there. just hang in there girlie.
Posted on 18-Nov-08 at 2:24 pm | Permalink
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