Jun Chen isn’t the first Chinese girl to have been left by her family. Her father abandoned her in NYC when he returned to China after losing his job in the United States. She was only 17 at the time. What’s unique about Jun is how in the face of such adversity she created her own family and her own support network.
On a yellow sheet of paper, she drew an alternative family tree: Lily, her girlfriend; Sonia, the mom; Chino, the dad; Ami, the older sister. The last three are all staff at the [Edgies Teen] center.
It is through them that she built her personal identity. “I wrote my college essay bout being a quarter Chinese, quarter black, quarter Dominican, and quarter Indian,” she said. It helped her earn a full scholarship to Middlebury College in Vermont.
Being gay and Chinese you understand the full implication of the phrase “building your own family”. In Chinese culture family may be the most important thing, but not when your only son is gay. Partly joking, I tell my friends that in American culture it’s duty to God, Country, Self, and then Others, but in Chinese culture, it’s Family, God, Country, Others and then Self (and sometimes I think Self doesn’t exist in Chinese culture). Being gay is of course the biggest stigma you can place upon your family in Chinese and most Asian cultures, and the easiest way to fail in your duty to your family.
It took me 15 years to meet the man who I call my husband today. We later made the decision to start a family and through surrogacy we had our daughter, who is three and a half years old now.
It took a long time, but my parents also eventually came around and accepted me and my family as best they could. They even chose to live with my family when they could no longer live alone, creating our extended family. Although my father passed away several years ago, my mother still lives with us.
It’s a bit cliche but I tell everyone that family is the most important thing there is, and for me, I’m especially lucky that it’s a family that I helped to create. I can only hope my daughter has a family to depend on and build upon throughout her lifetime.
What next?
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9 Comments to “Creating Your Own Surrogate Family”
stan wrote:
Definitely. Especially for a lot of kids and people who grow up possibly estranged from their families for any number of reasons, the bonds we do create can become as strong as those of family.
It will be some time before I think my own Chinese family would be comfortable with me and my (future) partner. Until then, I keep my friends close, and treat them like family.
Posted on 14-Jan-09 at 10:58 pm | Permalink
bobby wrote:
self-happiness is dead last. that’s just sad.
Posted on 16-Jan-09 at 8:20 pm | Permalink
Tim wrote:
Ah, but most culturally correct Chinese would call that a virtue. It’s why extended families are much more common in Asian society than any other, because family comes before self. When I was in business school we looked at this study that talked about whether you would lie for a friend (not even family) if you knew they had done something wrong (like gone over the speed limit and crashed a car and killed someone), and if you would tell the truth (that they broke the law) in court or would you lie to protect your friend. Americans overwhelmingly said they would tell the truth. As you can imagine, Asians would lie for their friends.
Posted on 17-Jan-09 at 7:29 am | Permalink
8Asians.com » Mixed Couples Divorce In Droves: An Asian American/Asian Canadian Blog wrote:
[...] wrote in another 8asians post that in American culture you have a duty to God, Country, Self, and then Others, but in Chinese [...]
Posted on 06-Feb-09 at 7:01 pm | Permalink
John Griffin wrote:
My name is John Griffin. I am writing you because;We are seeking a surrogate mother.
We live in the Rochester MN. If You are Asian * Your age is between 21 and 35.
I’m seeking your help, My business partner and his wife are a loving Vietnamese couple. They can’t have children. They have gone to the Mayo fertility Clinic. No results! Contacted Minnesota Companies that deal in Surrogacy. The companies only have Caucasian , Latin’s, and Blacks available as Surrogate mothers. My partner and his wife prefer an Asian Lady.
The surrogacy process allows the child to be biologically related to either one or (in the case of In Vitro Fertilization) both parents. The child is conceived because of their desire and dedication to becoming loving parents.
Third Party Reproduction will involve a considerable financial and emotional investment on there part. The cost Includes: Doctor’s, Hospital, Lawyer’s, food, clothing, apartment and a cash compensation.
If you are an Asian lady or know someone that might be interested in helping please give me a call at (507) 280-4031 or e-mail me at jgri554152@aol.com. Thank you in advance for your help.
Sincerely
John Griffin
Posted on 16-Feb-09 at 1:24 pm | Permalink
8Asians.com » A Lack of Asian Surrogates wrote:
[...] issue came to light since John Griffin posted a comment on my article about creating a surrogate family. His comment was essentially an advertisement looking for an Asian woman willing to act as a [...]
Posted on 23-Feb-09 at 7:29 pm | Permalink
Eugene Shih wrote:
Sounds like a wonderful Wedding Banquet-like story? Thanks for sharing. I have more questions though. Like, how long did it take for your parents to come around? And clearly you provided the sperm. How did you find the egg?
Posted on 27-Feb-09 at 10:25 am | Permalink
Tim wrote:
@Eugene: When I turned 30 my parents sat me down in a room and asked me if I was ever going to get married, that’s when I had to “officially” come out to them. But really it wasn’t until I made the decision to have a child that they really came around. I think having a child took some of the stigma out of it. Our daughter was born when I was almost 38 years old. And of course my parents obviously came around enough to be willing to live with us.
Yes, I provided the genetic material, but that was more a case of my partner already having biological children from a previous marriage. The egg was provided by an anonymous egg donor that we chose together. There are firms that specialize in egg donors, and have “catalogs” you can choose from based on ethnicity, height, school scores, etc. What’s interesting about this is there are few Asian egg donors, and the few that there are, charge a steep premium. The actual process in choosing the donor is really hard, much harder than we expected. In the end we chose an egg donor based on her interview questions, and ethnic background.
Posted on 27-Feb-09 at 1:58 pm | Permalink
Eugene wrote:
So you wanted to choose a Caucasian then? As opposed to Chinese?
I’m very interested to learn that children was the answer. I wonder why that is the case. It seems to be often the case. As in the Wedding Banquet.
Would love talk to you more offline. You can get at my e-mail or ask Ernie. We’ve exchanged some e-mails before.
Posted on 27-Feb-09 at 6:51 pm | Permalink
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