I recently discovered a blog called “Being Asian in America“. It’s fairly new (first post was May 3 of this year), and the writer seems quite young, but he strikes on quite a few interesting topics. One topic that immediately caught my attention was titled “If you’re Asian, you don’t love your family“. While he used the generic term Asian in his title, when you read the post, you can immediately tell he was referring specifically to Chinese families, although his title was a little tongue-in-cheek. The author doesn’t identify himself or even give himself a pseudonym, so I’ll refer to him as Anon in this post.
Anon’s claim is that you don’t hear the word “love” in Chinese families, that unlike TV families, we don’t tell each other we love each other, and instead Chinese parents criticize their children. But Anon does realize in the end that the criticism, and comparing of kids to one another, the constant nagging are all forms of love, whether we express that love in the form of words or not. He also realizes that using the word love too much tends to cheapen it, so in conclusion he’s glad his parents show their love the way that they do.
While I was a little irked that Anon’s title was in jest, I did agree with him on the main points of his post. I too never heard the words “Wo ai ni” (I love you) in Chinese, nor did I ever hear them in English, it was always implicitly understood in my family that my parents loved me and my siblings. The words “Wo ai ni” sound funny even in my head, as words you tell your lover (sparingly) but not your family. How could you not understand that your parents taking you to the emergency room when you were sick was a form of love? My mother especially, showed love in little ways through our childhood years. We grew up with little money, but she’d always find a way to get us special presents we knew the family really couldn’t afford, whether it was a new sweater instead of hand-me down clothing or a special day at Adventureland, a local amusement park.
Yes, my parents criticized, nagged, and complained about my choices like any other Chinese parent, but I always understood and counted on that parental love. I did always wonder why we didn’t hug and kiss like American families on TV, and maybe that’s why today, I hug and kiss my daughter and tell her I love her quite often. But Anon’s post made me reflect, that maybe I need to show my love more often, rather than speak my love, and that the act of showing it is the more important one.
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11 Comments to “Love and Chinese Families”
Gary wrote:
Hey, I’m the guy who wrote that post! Haha, it’s so awesome that you read and commented on something I wrote. It actually helped me discover your site, and your site looks really cool actually. I just wanted to say that my name’s Gary and I didn’t realize until you commented that people might want to know my name. Haha, and you’re right. I’m young. Not old enough to drive yet, sadly. Soon though. =]
Posted on 10-May-09 at 12:12 pm | Permalink
8Asians « Being Asian in America wrote:
[...] news, politics) A guy named Tim wrote on his site, 8Asians, about something that I posted (go here to view it)! This is very exciting for me, to have someone notice me on the web. 8Asians is a group [...]
Posted on 10-May-09 at 12:55 pm | Permalink
Unknown wrote:
In Cantonese, it’s “Ngua ngoi nei” The ng sound comes from your throat. Tough to say, but it’s useful to know it in Mandarin AND Cantonese. :]
Posted on 10-May-09 at 7:29 pm | Permalink
Confuse-Us wrote:
I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to judge your own experience based on what you see on television. Television only presents an idealized version of families and relationships that can’t possibly be used as a resource to educate on the realities of other cultures. Be skeptical of the media.
Posted on 10-May-09 at 8:38 pm | Permalink
Zakky wrote:
Long time lurker, first time commenter.
Anyway, I am Indonesian and in our family, we don’t say “I love you” to each other either. I tried to explain this to my American partner who was confused when I called my mom and didn’t end it with “I love you.” My partner seems baffled with the fact, but so, yeah, I don’t think it’s exclusively Chinese. Well, at least now it’s Chinese and Indonesian.
Posted on 11-May-09 at 2:58 am | Permalink
Linda wrote:
My family was the same way–we never said “I love you” or hugged or anything. But I still knew my parents loved me.
Posted on 11-May-09 at 4:54 am | Permalink
daniel wrote:
@confuse-us: it’s definitely not just tv. a lot of american families do say “i love you” to each other.
while i agree that showing your love is more important than just saying it, it never hurts to say it out loud. i personally don’t think saying “i love you” a lot cheapens its meaning.
Posted on 11-May-09 at 6:38 am | Permalink
RR wrote:
Considering Western folks love to say they love ice cream, cats, and realllly love Trader Joe’s, meh what does it mean?
Posted on 11-May-09 at 5:23 pm | Permalink
guest wrote:
[But Anon’s post made me reflect, that maybe I need to show my love more often, rather than speak my love, and that the act of showing it is the more important one.]
so deep…so deep.
Posted on 11-May-09 at 11:15 pm | Permalink
Confuse-Us wrote:
Daniel….
it’s definitely not just tv. a lot of american families do say “i love you” to each other.
I never said that they don’t, I’m just saying that what you see on television is highly idealized and often only remotely resembles reality.
That aside, I love all of you guys.
Posted on 12-May-09 at 7:21 am | Permalink
Daniel W. wrote:
I think a hug or kiss on a cheek (there’s quite a lot of asian/chinese families that do that, older and increasingly younger generations) will show more than those three words.
It may help to say them, but I don’t know if it’s the language or social conditioning. The words I love you in Chinese is heavily associated with romance. Plus, the Chinese words doesn’t need to be that descriptive as in English for such intimate understanding. I guess saying I love you in English may be more appropriate in that matter.
It may sound weird, but I prefer all that bickering, nagging and random actions of my family. I say to my parents, we’re grown up, give us a break but we’re still “hsiao shun”. Everyone may have different experiences growing up, but in my family…filial piety is not total obedience. It’s a combination of respect, dignifying-communicative familial love.
It probably wasn’t that bad since my parents were a bit more open minded, having to live-interacted outside of any large asian communities for most of their adult lives.
Posted on 14-May-09 at 12:52 am | Permalink
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