When Your Success Is Your Parent’s Success

By Jee | Thursday, June 18, 2009 | 4 Comments

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619307160 019d96a443 When Your Success Is Your Parents Success Growing up in Korea, I’ve heard from different adults in my life that a child’s success is their parent’s success: if a child misbehaved, they would blame the parents rather than the misbehaving child; if a child did well in school, had great talent, they would attribute that to the intelligence and talents of the parents of that child.

Whenever I acted up, I looked guiltily at my parents because I knew they would hear an earful from some nosy busy body that they had failed as my parents because of my behavior. When I did well in school, I knew my parents were getting praised from their friends and older relatives. Although my parents rarely voiced their need for me to be a certain way so that they can be deemed successes in the eyes of their peers and our relatives, I felt the pressure and I blamed the culture.

Some things don’t change. Kim Yuna is quite an accomplished figure skater, and her mother has made sure that Yuna’s knack for figure skating was channeled properly so that it could reach world class status. Other Asian mothers are following suit and doing whatever they can to ensure their child’s success: Spelling Bee winner, Kavya Shivashankar’s win is attributed to her upbringing of being drilled on spelling by her parents.

When is a parent’s love and devotion to a child’s success too much? While I am definitely behind parents encouraging a child’s dream, talents, and aspirations, I’m not behind obsessive parents who push the child regardless of what the child may want.

What will become of kids who feel the pressure, the obsession, the need parents have to see them achieve the impossible so that they can be seen as having achieved it themselves? While I know — and hope — that love motives parents to desire the world for their children, when does the love for the child turn into love for their own acclaim and success?

(Flickr photo credit: aloshbennett)

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jeffat8asians

"When is a parentu00e2u0080u0099s love and devotion to a childu00e2u0080u0099s success too much?"

I think it becomes too much when it causes massive neglect of other portions of the parents' and child's life. The Korean ice skater's mom ignored her other daughters' ambitions, missed her graduation, and neglected her husband. It also is too much when the probability of professional success is remote (my problem with the way a lot of parents treat kids sports). As Bob Cook points, it is highly probably that your kid's not going pro. Also, one has to think about how we define success - master in one area, whether academic or athletic, while ignoring all other aspects of life is not success.

I think it is fair that parents get some credit for success - I know from experience that it can be expensive and exhausting enrolling and getting your kids to practice and other activities. Getting all the credit is unfair, though. I also don't have a problem with parents living a bit vicariously through their kids, especially when they have never had the same kind opportunity themselves. But pushing to the point where the kids start to hate it and the goal is no longer the child's but the parent's, that too far.

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jeffat8asians

"When is a parentu00e2u0080u0099s love and devotion to a childu00e2u0080u0099s success too much?"

I think it becomes too much when it causes massive neglect of other portions of the parents' and child's life. The Korean ice skater's mom ignored her other daughters' ambitions, missed her graduation, and neglected her husband. It also is too much when the probability of professional success is remote (my problem with the way a lot of parents treat kids sports). As Bob Cook points, it is highly probably that your kid's not going pro/A>. Also, one has to think about how we define success - master in one area, whether academic or athletic, while ignoring all other aspects of life is not success.

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