8 Asians

WTF: How To Master Asian Beauty Secrets

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Hey, readers! Are you not Asian? Have you always wondering why Asians look so beautiful? Well, today is your lucky day, because this video tutorial is going to teach you all of our ancient cultural secrets on maintaining youthful skin and, uh, ginseng steaming.

Yes! You, too, can now look as amazing as these exotic “Asians” just by keeping a stash of washcloths in your fridge and placing them on your face, even if you’re already — and clearly — wearing make-up!

Looking for a easy method to prevent wrinkles? It’s as simple as slicing paper-thin pieces of Panax ginseng root, soaking them in distilled water, steaming them and then drinking the liquid three times a day! (I mean, you’d think that Asians would somehow figure out how to conveniently bottle this ginseng extract by now so you’d skip the whole slicing and steaming crap, but I guess not.)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

Little known fact: Asian people forgo modern conventions like “wide brimmed hats” and “sunscreen” to protect their pristine, white yellow skin with unique contraptions called “parasols”. Yes, it’s true — these strange folks walk around with paper umbrellas to prevent skin damage and cancer.

Alright, I’m done mocking this: please continue in the comments section. I’ve got some coconut to shred and then simmer with equal parts of water and milk, which I will then strain through cheesecloth and refrigerate so I can use the cream on top to moisturize my beautiful face. (LIKE, SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T JUST BUY SOME COCONUT BASED SKIN LOTION FROM CVS? Do these people really think Asians do this? This is how they’re going to kick off 2010 — WITH COCONUT SHREDS BOILED IN MILK?)

[Hat tip: Kristian from Fil-Am Ako]

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