Dear Channing Tatum:

Congratulations on your selection as People’s 2012 Sexiest Man Alive! You join the ranks of such sexy gentlemen as, um, Nick Nolte, who was 51 when he won in 1985 (WHAT) and Patrick Swayze, who is no doubt doing Dirty Dancing lifts up in heaven (R.I.P.).

Your win did not come as much of a surprise to me. I mean, have you seen you in Magic Mike?

Daaaaamn!

But all this buttering up is really in the service of delivering a little bit of bad news. While you are People’s choice this year, The Onion felt differently and instead chose North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un as their sexiest man alive for 2012. I thought you had it in the bag, but as soon as I read this, I knew there was nobody else but Kim:

“He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”

Admit it – there’s nobody else in the world who fits the bill better than Kim.

Better luck next year, Channing.

Best wishes,

Jasmine