It’s no big secret that I’m totally over anything labeled “Tiger,” especially Tiger Moms, which started the whole recent phenomenon. We’ve already heard about Tiger Moms, Tiger Daughter, Paper Tigers, Tiger Woods (ok, so that’s actually his name)… but please spare us from having to go through it all again with Dragon ______s (fill-in-the-blanks).
So I responded to the email with this:
Must the word “Mom” be with prefixed with every animal in the frakkin Chinese zodiac?
Here is my Chinese Mom Zodiac*:
Rat Moms – 鼠: They infest old buildings and crowded, unsanitary areas that exist in an urban environment. Rat Moms are pests because they eat food and contaminate it with urine and excrement. Sometimes they, or the parasites they carry, (such as fleas, mites and worms) spread many diseases. Rat Moms pass on their fuckin’ diseases to their kids and the world at large. They suck.
Ox Moms – 牛: Oxen are commonly castrated adult male cattle, so by that train of thought, Ox Moms are already pretty effed up. Ox Moms are pretty much only good for lugging stuff around and for their dung, to be used as manure or fuel. They stink. And they suck.
Tiger Moms – 虎: A lot has been made of Tiger Moms because the tiger supposedly represents fearlessness and wrath in many Asian cultures. Although this may have been true in the wild, Tiger Moms in captivity are known for their penchant to maul gay magicians on stage. They suck, too.
Rabbit Moms – 兔: Rabbit Moms have a very rapid reproductive rate. Famous examples of Rabbit Moms include Octomom and Kate Gosselin. ‘Nuff said. They suck (+8!).
Dragon Moms – 龍: Topping the list of Moms Who Need Dermatologists, Dragon Moms are vaguely reptilian, possessing typically scaly or feathered bodies. Yuck! Dragon Moms are actually mythical and wish they were real moms. Because they’re creatures of fantasy, some people think Dragon Moms are pretty fantastic. Actually, they’re pretty sucktastic.
Snake Moms – 蛇: Snake Moms lack limbs, but this does not impede their movement. They can be seen swallowing prey much larger than their heads in one giant bite with their fanged mouths. Because of their fangs, they are often mistaken for vampires. And everyone knows that vampires literally suck (blood).
Horse Moms – 馬: In the past, Horse Moms were considered unintelligent, with no abstract thinking ability, unable to generalize, and driven primarily by a herd mentality. In the present, it turns out this is true. And they’re pretty slutty because they let men ride them, often in public. I bet they suck, too.
Sheep Moms – 羊: Sheep Moms are perpetually stuck in the 80s and desperately need fashion upgrades. You can spot them in flocks, usually with crimped hair called wool and often with horns forming a lateral spiral. Ewe. (Is that a bad pun? Frankly My Dear, I don’t give a lamb.) You’re baaaaa-riliant if you already knew that Sheep Moms suck, too.
Monkey Moms – 猴: Monkey Moms like bananas. Actually, Monkey Moms ARE bananas; if you have a Monkey Mom, I hope you have money saved up for psychotherapy. Do they suck too? You bet your bonobos, they do!
Rooster Moms – 雞: Why did the Rooster Mom cross the road? To cockadoodle dooo something (sucky).
Dog Moms – 狗: Dog Moms are total bitches. Dogs Moms may seem fetching at first glance, but a childhood with a Dog Mom is a ruff childhood filled with sheer terrier. I saw a Dog Mom treat her kids so re-pug-nantly that it really ticked me of and made me want to pinscher! I’ve heard so many paws-itively horrific tails of woe that it would make you hot under the collar. If you’re the child of a Dog Mom looking for new leash on life, schnauzer chance! Flea in a hurry and run away from home! It’s Siriusly the only way to get away from that suckage!**
Pig Moms – 豬: Pig Moms are most commonly associated with eating not only their own feces, but those of other beings. In parts of the third world, where villager dwellers excrete in the open, Pig Moms are known to eat this excretia. Wow, I knew Pig Moms were disgusting, but that was even grosser than I thought. Oh yeah, they suck, too!
* with apologies to things I copied and pasted from the Internet. Mostly from Wikipedia.
** I didn’t come up with those. Blame these people.
Please Note: My Mom is not any of these… she is a Joz Mom and there is only one and she is awesome!!!