I’ve always been curious what it would be like to be an Asian American woman on a dating website. So I decided to put up my own ad. But what kind of Asian American woman should I be? And then inspiration hit me: I should be a stereotype. But what kind of stereotype should I be? Geisha? Dragon lady? Both?
I decided being a dragon lady would be more fun than being a geisha. And when I think of dragon lady the first person I think of is Lucy Liu’s character (Ling Woo) on Ally McBeal. Wikipedia describes Ling Woo as “a cold and ferocious Chinese American lawyer who spoke Mandarin and was knowledgeable in the art of sexual pleasure unknown to the Western world.”
I crafted my personals ad based on that description. This is what I came up with:
I am a cold and ferocious Chinese American lawyer who speaks English and Mandarin and is knowledgeable in the art of pleasing man. Do you think you can handle me? Message me with picture. No c*ck shots pictures please.
I posted this ad at 3:30 on a Saturday morning and I got emails right away. Actually, an entire mailbox full. For your personal pleasure, I will post some of my favorite responses:
Hey sweetie. My man saw ur ad and he wants to see if he can have a try to handling u. If u think u might want to give him a chance i have enclosed his pic and his number. Feel free to text him or email back and see whats possible (My response: I give this guy credit for ingenuity. He pretends his girlfriend/wife is writing the message. It makes him seem less scary. However, I would be REALLY surprised if there really is a girlfriend/wife.)
and i am extremely attuned to the manners in which a woman’s pleasure is induced
hard, deep, wet, scented, gushing, profound
can you handle me? (My response: Gushing? Profound? WTF?)
I’m a hot and ferocious Latino, 5’5″ 155# hard body and ready for anything you got. But I don’t post pictures of myself, May we could talk? (My response: No pics? Seriously? It probably means you’re ugly. Learn to Photoshop buddy.)
hello girl i am 30 years old living in pasadena i can do every thing for you dont play with me no game i send my pic and you send yours lets meet each other today (My response: Is this English?)
How are you today? I’m a Caucasian man. I stand 6′ tall. I have blond hair and blue eyes. I train in jiu-Jitsu. I enjoy working on and ridding my Harley. (My response: Jiu-jitsu? I’m curious; would you write that if I didn’t say I was Asian? I doubt it. Here’s some advice, don’t mention jiu-jitsu to the next Asian woman you try to hit on. Actually, just don’t talk to her. You’ll be doing her a big favor. Trust me.)
good morning, i am a very real tall american white guy, who has a real desire to be with a fiesty, Chinese woman! i find asian women so very sexy, and they never seem to age, and i just hope that the wild tigress inside you comes out to play today! im 31 6’6 shaved head blue eyes 240lbs, and would love to see how much fun, thrills, pleasures, and mischeif we can get into today! i am very serious, real, d/d free no BS no DRAMA here. just a fun open minded guy looking for a woman, who knows what she wants and isnt affraid to go and get it! (My response: I wish dear readers you could see this guy’s picture. He is not 31 years old or even 41 years old. More like 51, but who’s counting?)
i have an attraction towards fine, smart, chinese lawer ladies. i am fluent in the art of pleasing women. (My response: lawer?)
I’m Origanaly from Orange County, just moved to Compton recently. I’m not Armenian my parents were both born in Mexico. I’m a good friend and handy Man. If you ever need one of those or want to know more about me call me. (My response: The “I’m not Armenian” line is a little unusual because it seems to come out of nowhere. The handy man is useful but kind of a turnoff. Here’s some helpful advice: Next time you respond to a personals ad, instead of writing that you are a handy man, write that you are a corporate executive and that you are wiling to give them some inside information so that they can make millions of dollars on their next stock buy. That will get you the woman. Your welcome.)
Before I could get more response, I got this message: “Your posting has been flagged for removal.” Apparently I broke some rule. It was probably the use of the word “c*ck.” I’ll know better next time.
What life lesson did I learn from all of this? What wisdom can I impart to you? Sadly, nothing. No life lessons. No wisdom to impart. I was a little surprised that I didn’t get any messages from any “nice” guys, someone I actually could see a woman really liking. Maybe my ad was a little too risque. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if I wrote, “Nice Asian American woman looking for love,” I would have gotten the same kind of responses. I would love to hear from some of my female readers who have used personal sites, are these the same responses you’re getting too?