Crap. It’s the day before Halloween and you don’t have a costume. You’re also Asian, which means your options are either limited to Bruce Lee, GoGo from Kill Bill, Ryu from Street Fighter or Mulan. Yawn. You were already a ninja last time and this year, you want to be different. You want to be creative. You’re also either broke, lazy or both. What to do?
We’re here to help. Here are our eight costume ideas that can come straight out of your closet…or your parents.
1-2. Harold or Kumar from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
The first costume actually counts as two because you can be either Harold or Kumar. It’s so easy. By the way, don’t forget to submit a question for John Cho and Kal Penn for A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas.
What You Need: A suit (for Harold) or hooded sweatshirt and puffy vest (for Kumar)
Optional Accessory: White Castle Burgers, Bong, Oregano, “Oregano” [EDITOR’S NOTE: 8ASIANS.COM DOES NOT PROMOTE THE USAGE OF “OREGANO” AND TO FOLLOW THE LAWS OF YOUR LOCAL, STATE AND FEDERAL JURISDICTIONS.]
3. “We’re A Culture, Not A Costume” Costume
The “We’re A Culture, Not A Costume” movement started by college students to raise awareness about racist costumes unfortunately turned into a kinda hilarious meme. But that’s not the point!!! Help fight the fight by turning the posters into your own costume.
What You Need: A print-out of an offensive Oriental Halloween costume so you can hold it while walking around and making every Halloween party even more awkward
Optional Accessory: Sad face
4. Amy Chua, AKA Tiger Mom
Joz is going to kill me for including tiger moms but you can’t have a 2011 holiday without mentioning Amy Chua. Thanks to this lady, Asian American women will never be seen as normal, motherly human beings again. And thanks to this lady, you’ve got the easiest Halloween costume around. If none of your friends get the joke, just berate them for not studying hard enough and then cancel the party so everyone can go home and practice the piano.
What You Need: Mom jeans
Optional Accessory: Harvard diploma, two hapa children paired with a keyboard and violin
5. That Asian Guy From 2 Broke Girls
So I don’t watch 2 Broke Girls because a) it’s not a reality show about rich people on Bravo and b) it’s a sitcom with canned laughter and c) life is too short to watch a sitcom with canned laughter and a stereotypical Asian male character and no rich people from Bravo. On the other hand, this television show gave us a new fictional person to dress up as. Easy as pie!
What You Need: Sweater vest? Grey pants? I don’t know. You tell me. I don’t watch this show.
Optional Accessory: Self-hate for selling out to Hollywood
6. Asians Sleeping In The Library
Speaking of memes, remember when that Asians Sleeping in the Library tumblr showed up? Yeah, that was great. Now you, too, can bring this Internet phenomenon to life. Again, if your friends don’t get this costume, explain the joke by falling asleep in front of them.
What You Need: A library
Optional Accessory: Pillow, a cardboard sign in Impact font that says “I’M AN INTERNET MEME LOL”
7. Smoking Baby From Indonesia
Remember that little chubby baby from Indonesia who liked to smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day? He reminded me of my grandpa, except for the chubby baby and the Indonesia parts. Props to NEAATO for this idea! Indonesian smoking baby, we love you.
What You Need: Cigarette, diaper
Optional Accessory: Lung cancer
8. Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Earlier this year, people were boycotting the screening of Breakfast at Tiffany’s for the racist character of Mr. Yunioshi. This means that this classic film is cool and hip again! Or at least, still fresh in the public’s mind. Since you can’t be Audrey Hepburn (because who’s ever heard of an Asian Audrey Hepburn?), you can be the next best thing: Mickey Rooney in yellowface!
What You Need: Glasses (Get it? Because you’re already yellow? With a face? Natural yellowface?)
Optional Accessory: Pamphlet about the history of discrimination against Asians in the entertainment industry and maybe something about the Japanese American internment during World War II. I don’t know. Whatever’s less of a downer.
So there you go: our 2011 edition of awesome Halloween costumes for Asian Americans. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for 2012.