The other day, I made a post on my personal blog that garnered a lot of (private) comments. I got a bunch of comments via IM and email, but just a few public comments.
Here’s an excerpt… I was having a conversation with a good friend of my mother’s in Chinglish when she asked me the following:
Mom’s friend: “DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF SEX?” (in English)
“WHAT?!” I asked in Chinese, really shocked by the mention of the subject. (I do NOT talk to my Mom about such things, so I am not going to go talking to her close friend about stuff like this. As far as my Mom likes to believe, I don’t even know what sex is and I’m not planning on changing that perception for a while!)
Mom’s friend: “I said, ‘Do you have a lot of sex?’” (she repeated in English)
Joz: …
I sat there dumbfounded in silence, which is pretty damn unusual for me. What the hell is she bringing this up for?! What the hell am I going to say?! How do I change the topic!?!?! Arrrrgh! So embarrassing!
Since I didn’t answer for a bit (maybe like 10 seconds, which is an eternity, especially for a blabbermouth like me), she asked the question again:
Mom’s friend: “Did you hear what I asked?” (in Chinese)
Mom’s friend: “Do you have a lot of PRESSURE on you?” (in English.)Joz: “Pressure?” (in English)
Mom’s friend: “Yes, pressure. STRESS. Do you have a lot of STRESS?” (in English)
OMG! She was asking me about STRESS, not SEX! Thank god!
Joz: “Pressure? Oh yeah, I have lots of that. You know that.”
Mom’s friend: “You shouldn’t worry so much, try to relax and not to take on so much pressure. It’s not good for your body.” (in Chinese)
Joz: “Yeah, I know.” (Joz changes the subject quickly)
Ok, embarrassing story aside, I gotta ask you what you think of the scenario. Did I totally overreact by thinking that my Mom’s friend was asking me about sex? Do you talk to your parents about sex? What about other family members? Who do/don’t you talk about sex with? Why is that?!
For me, the thought about talking about sex with my Mom or my uncles/aunties is absolutely mortifying. Once my Mom made some comment about conceiving my brother and my head just about exploded.
Is this an Asian/Asian American thing? Because in my experience, a lot of my non-Asian friends don’t have trouble talking about sex to their parents.
Oh and for me, the taboo subject matter is not just about ME having sex… it’s about sex in general. Like other people having sex is not a topic I want to discuss with my Mom. I actually want to pretend like the word/subject doesn’t exist when it comes to my Mom. And my Mom and I talk about pretty much everything. Well, except sex.
Now your turn… dish!
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Tracey wrote:
It’s not just an Asian American thing, it’s an Asian Australian thing too. It horrifies me to talk seriously about anything relating to sex with anyone related to me. It’s awful, I never want to talk about it! That being said though, in the future I’d like to be able to talk to my daughter about that kind of stuff. I’d like to think she’d be comfortable with that because she knows I’d understand and wouldn’t judge her. Perhaps the reason I don’t talk to my mother about this stuff is because I know she’s the exact opposite of what I said I’d hope to be in the future to my own daughter.
Oh, confusing much? I hope I haven’t scrambled your brains with that up there!
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 6:13 am | Permalink
Xxxtine wrote:
I remember my mom giving me the birds and bees talk when I was 9 or 10. She was really technical about it and very frank - it was the equivalent of a science lesson only in conversation. Certainly I don’t discuss the physical aspects, like positions and such, with my mom, but rather the emotional and psychological impacts it has.
There are things I like to keep to myself or a privileged few, because this is the kind of person that I am. But say for someone like my cousin, who literally throws all mental filters to the four winds, discusses such topics with our aunt. I don’t mind discussing the topic of sex in the psychological sense - I just don’t want to have the visual of my aunt and uncle in awkward positions. *shiver*
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 8:34 am | Permalink
Hah. I remember once when I was around eight, I asked my sister what the box of maxipads sitting in her bathroom were for. She turned bright red, and she would tell me later… “when I turned 18.” Hah.
To this day, I still don’t believe my parents had sex. I think they just lied on a bed, held hands, and then I was magically procreated.
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 1:00 pm | Permalink
Guppy wrote:
I’m a guy so that might change a couple things, but I never learned about the birds and the bees from my parents. It was one of those unspoken-of things in my house. Thank the good lord for internet.
I’d have to agree with Ernie, I don’t think my parents ever had sex…
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 3:48 pm | Permalink
jozjozjoz.com » Blog Archive » Random thoughts at 4am wrote:
[...] just made a post at 8Asians.com entitled: Let’s talk about sex. I wonder who all is going to check THAT post [...]
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 3:51 pm | Permalink
THE_BANANA_REPUBLIC wrote:
My parents — biologists — derive pleasure out of making me feel uncomfortable. Since before I could even understand how intercourse worked, they told me about it. They were especially pushy about it when I was in my teens.
I think as a result I have a clear understanding of what their expectations are, and what choices are best for me to take.
Asian father, white mother.
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 3:53 pm | Permalink
Efren wrote:
Considering I used to ask very explicit questions about sex as a researcher/grad student in sociology, and because I’ve been involved in HIV/AIDS work, I’m very comfortable about talking about sex, though my dad has never breached the subject with me except for a couple of conversations that I don’t feel comfortable talking about in a public forum.
My parents were relatively sex-positive (as far as immigrant Filipinos can be, I suppose), so sex never seemed to be that big of an issue with me.
That being said, I’m usually the ones that my friends (and some of my family members) turn to when they need someone to take them to adult shops, or ask questions about sex, STDs, HIV, etc., particularly my Asian girlfriends because they know I won’t judge them, or snicker about sex toys or lube, etc.
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 6:42 pm | Permalink
Rich wrote:
The topic of sex has come up between my parents and I, but never in too deep (sorta). They know I have sex, and I know they have sex (I remember watching tv one night when I was in my teens, and their bedroom is right above it, and suddenly out of the blue I heard this constant squeaking sound…and it didn’t stop for quite a while). My mother just told me to be smart about it, and my dad keeps quiet about it. It’s more of my extended family that I have had the most exposure about sex. My aunt and I talk about sex on the regular (in fact, she often asks me if I’ve “done” (anyone) lately when I see her), and I remember another Uncle of mine told me of his sexual conquests when he was a teen in Korea (gags). And some of my older cousins…well, that’s just another level all together haha.
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 7:28 pm | Permalink
Toro wrote:
My mother was Japanese and she had really weird issues about my nudity and sexuality. She would absolutely have a meltdown if I ran nude from my bathroom to my bedroom after a shower which was kitty corner. Later on when she found porn magazines in my room I got a lecture on how that sort of thing contributes to rape and child molestation. She burned the magazines before our lecture.
In sixth grade both my parents signed the consent form for sex ed. As I got older it was if I was just supposed to know all about sex and sexuality. Which coincidentally I did but not from my parents. Confirmation of this came one day when we were at a waterpark. I kept bugging my mom to come in the water. Finally after 20 minutes my step-father announced very gruffly that my mother would not be swimming because she was having her period. I was mortified and felt ashamed and I did my best to avoid spending time with both my parents that day.
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 8:53 pm | Permalink
rick wrote:
Your mom must of ask her freind to find out some info about you, on the question of sex … You did a good thing to keep it to your self… If it’s not your mom who ask her freind, then her freind very open about it…but one day she would tell your mom because woman tell everything to each other, it’s true… so if you want your mom to know about if you have sex , tell her freind. and you will see…
Posted on 27-Jan-08 at 9:20 pm | Permalink
thepeopleseason wrote:
This is a conversation that I had with my father about a month after moving away from home post-grad school.
“How’s your health?”
“Doing fine, dad.”
“How’s the car running?”
“Not too bad.”
“How’s your apartment?”
“Nothing new.”
“Ok. Well, take care of yourself. Don’t spend too much money…
And don’t fuck all the time.”
The irony being that right around that time I started a five-year dry spell.
Posted on 28-Jan-08 at 7:40 am | Permalink
Bo wrote:
My parents speak very openly about sex but I would definately categorize them as more western than the average asian parents (ex: they also don’t believe in corporal punshiment). This doesn’t mean I’m any more comfortable speaking to them about my sex life. But I don’t think this is an Asian thing persay. My very WASPy partner doesn’t like to think about his parents or sister being sexual beings.
Posted on 28-Jan-08 at 7:42 am | Permalink
Bertie wrote:
Uh, most of my friends, Asian and non-Asian alike, don’t talk to their parents about their sex lives. It’s strictly “don’t ask don’t tell.”
Posted on 28-Jan-08 at 9:11 am | Permalink
Mike Lee wrote:
Sometime during college, while my Mom and I were talking about career options and life after school, she suddenly said, “And make sure you’re always safe.”
“Huh?” I asked. “None of the careers I’m thinking about are dangerous…”
“No no, I mean… you know… that you should always be safe…”
I still didn’t follow and stared at her with a dumbstruck expression.
“With your girlfriend. Be safe when you’re with her.”
That was the first time we came close to the topic. After college, I found out she began watching Sex and The City. And occasionally, the show would feature a topic that confused her. So she’d ask me. “What’s a menagerie a trois? What’s tea bagging?”
Let me tell you - nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING is more awkward than trying to explain to your Mom what tea bagging is. (I just changed the subject and never answered it.)
Posted on 28-Jan-08 at 5:57 pm | Permalink
Xxxtine wrote:
^^ I think Mike wins the award for ‘Most Awkward Moment with Family Member on the Subject of Sex.”
The only thing that comes close in my experience, is when my mom tried to draw Florida. We both chuckled, but never spoke words. She just scribbled it out.
Posted on 28-Jan-08 at 7:17 pm | Permalink
Lily wrote:
Instead of “boyfriend” my mom and dad will say “friend.” Like this- “Is he your friend?” They won’t even emphasize friend, or put innuendo or suggestion on it in any way. Simply by asking, I know it means “Is he your boyfriend?” (after all, there would be no reason to ask if the person were just my friend)
Or actually it covers everything from “Do you like him?” to “Are you sleeping with him?” and “Do you want to marry him?” This is the benefit of such vague metaphorical euphemistic questions- it kind of just covers this entire CLOUD of questions at once.
They will ask this about every guy I mention, every male name. Even people I mention who are time zones away. Which results in me saying things like- “No, he’s not my friend. He’s just my friend!” and “Not every guy is a friend, Dad.”
or dialogues that go like
“Is he your friend?”
“He’s married.”
and
“I met the owner of this local cafe today. He was nice.”
“You know, businessmen are always concerned with money.”
“Dad I just said he was nice, I didn’t say I wanted him to be my friend.”
I won’t pretend that these conversations don’t annoy me. But it’s also kind of cool that we can totally talk this way and know what we’re talking about. Like when he says “businessmen are always concerned with money” he’s saying all at once, if you marry a guy like this, this is what will be on his mind, is that what you want, is that what your values are? As well as the general typical bundle of questions that come with whether someone’s a friend, and what it means for someone to be nice.
Posted on 29-Jan-08 at 7:23 am | Permalink
Lily wrote:
I want to edit that comment to make it clear I have nothing against businessmen. But it won’t let me.
Posted on 29-Jan-08 at 9:30 am | Permalink
:: jozjozjoz :: wrote:
It sounds like most (not all) of us don’t talk to our parents about sex, but how about siblings? Cousins of the same age group?
I generally avoid these topics whenever I can with anyone I’m related to…
Posted on 29-Jan-08 at 9:33 am | Permalink
Robert wrote:
My parents caught me doing it when I was in high school but we deserved to be caught. The bed posts banging against the wall, which was adjacent to their room, might have triggered the investigation.
Posted on 29-Jan-08 at 11:08 am | Permalink
efrensfriend wrote:
no way with parents. fine w siblings only bc i’m the oldest child and needed to give them the school nurse sex ed cuz they weren’t getting decent sex ed at school. believe me, there were times i did not want to hear their questions and i just had to disassociate and play unemotional school nurse.
as one of my sisters was sexually active in high school, she and her bf were sneaking around. so i knew when my roommate was out of town and i gave my sis my bedroom while i camped out at my roomies. (my roomie, who is also chinese, said she didn’t know whether she could stomach handing over her bed to a sexually-active sibling. i just thought it was safer sex if they didn’t have to fumble with a condom in the back of a car). however, i WOULD NOT touch the sheets. i made them take the dirty sheets to the laundromat.
see, i wouldn’t have an issue w sexedup sheets from friends, but i DO with my sister. weird.
Posted on 30-Jan-08 at 11:11 am | Permalink
:: jozjozjoz :: wrote:
Robert,
Me thinks you WANTED to get caught.
Posted on 02-Feb-08 at 5:10 pm | Permalink
jozjozjoz wrote:
Boy, I’m sick of talking about pandas.
Why don’t we talk more about sex!??!!?
Posted on 04-Feb-08 at 6:21 pm | Permalink
joanh wrote:
omg.. that cracks me up.. at least you keep asking until they said “stress” and didn’t elaborate and get yourself into the wrong conversation… don’t think i have ever talked to my parents much less my mom’s friends about it.
Posted on 19-Feb-08 at 5:36 am | Permalink