So Jeff Yang up and did it — he talked about interracial relationships among Asians, but added a twist and focused on straight Asian men. And while it’s all well and good, and talks about on a really peripheral level the varied issues that straight Asian men go through, like the issue of being a person of color and disenfranchised, yet taking advantage of heterosexual American male privilege and demanding to be with a white woman; the dearth of Asian men with women of color, particularly black women; and looking — finally — at the problems that mixed-race Asians have to go through, particularly in regards to ethnic identity, I find myself irritated because they’ve left me out. Again.
As someone who’s been romantically and sexually attracted to other Asian men since at least sixteen (when I had my first boyfriend, who happened to be Vietnamese), I found myself with relatively less psychological baggage than most other queer Asian men who happened to have dated white men. I wasn’t particularly looking for someone Asian, but my first boyfriend happened to be a transfer student from San Diego, a Vietnamese guy with something different, and so we started hanging out a lot. When we started holding hands, it seemed like the most natural thing to do, even though people were talking. The six months that we dated had all the trappings of puppy love and unrealistic expectations (moving in together at age seventeen, going to the same college, etc.) And while I ended up ending the relationship because of my own fucked up internalized homophobia and the threat of being disowned, he opened up the possibility of being proud of who I was as being Asian, and being Filipino. He was genuinely interested in my cultural background, asking questions about food, history, and my upbringing. My mom loved him and wondered what happened to “my friend” after I broke it off — the only other time she ever really liked a guy I dated was my current partner. I can safely say that thanks to him, he started me on a path to become relatively well adjusted in terms of how my ethnic and sexual identity came to play. Even though I totally fucked it up.
After coming out publicly in college, I began to meet other queer Asian men, whose preferences were more towards white men. What was annoying to me was that they always had to feel apologetic towards their preferences for me. One guy, who had also dated primarily white men, said in all sincerity, “Wow, that’s so cool that your first boyfriend was Vietnamese. That is so… so… revolutionary!” I remember looking at him and wondering what planet he stepped off of, and why he felt he had to justify his preferences to me, especially since there was no attraction between us. I can see where he was going — that he was going through the now oft-quoted adage (and I’m taking liberties with this) that “Loving Asian men is a revolutionary act,” especially if you’re another Asian American man who’s been taught to believe that white men are the pinnacle of desirability.
Needless to say, this has been a constant theme ever since. Coming out in the early to mid 1990s, there were very few out Asian American men for me to look up to, and I could count all the Asian men with other Asian partners on the fingers of one hand, and have fingers left over. I saw how Asian men were either completely ignored by the mainstream queer white media, or simply seen as sexual objects, like a male archetype of Suzie Wong, the dragon lady, but with a gay twist. Being unable to get a green card, Asian men were simply seen as gold-diggers, with small dicks who are exclusively bottoms, and most importantly, who can’t be trusted. Fuck with us and we’ll take all your shit. We couldn’t speak English fluently, nor be fluent in American culture.
No wonder so many queer Asian American men coming out at that time had so much baggage.
I’ve never seen my primary attraction towards Asian men as something political or particularly revolutionary — it was just part of who I was and what makes me tick. I’ve seen guys who felt a need to be called “sticky rice”, or be an Asian man attracted to other Asian man in order to be seen as politically acceptable, when in reality, they preferred white men, even though their politics was truly spot on. I’ve seen Asian men who’ve blindly preferred other Asian men, then spout off on the most racist stuff on non-Asian men (white, black, whatever), but automatically assumed that we were buddies because of our mutual preferences. I’ve been with guys who claimed to be “potato queens,” but only because they had never met another Asian guy who was Americanized as they were and suddenly realized that whole new dating opportunities existed to them.
It’s sad to see that the dialectic that exists among queer Asian men revolves around Asian and white, with very, very few Asian men dating other men of color, particularly black. Latino men are seen as being “almost white” and are seen as culturally acceptable, but I’ve only met 3 or 4 Asian-black male couples whose relationships lasted a long time and were not fraught with cultural expectations based on stereotypes.
That being said, personally, it’s never bothered me to see Asian men with other men, white, or of color. Given that the dating pool for us “sticky rice” is so limited to the point that we can be downright incestuous (10% of 3% of the total American population, you do the math) I have better things to do than to waste my time trying to regulate who my fellow Asians can date. I’m ecstatic to see couples get together and survive long enough to become long term, regardless of who their partner is. Given the outright homophobia that exists in many of our Asian communities, and the racism that both partners feel, particularly if they’re interracial, it’s a victory and a triumph to see couples survive.
Thankfully though, as the number of queer Asian men coming out has skyrocketed thanks to the ‘net, and also seeing that the young queer Asian men coming out have less racist baggage and internalized homophobia, it’s nice to see that there are more Asian-Asian (and Asian-men of color) male couples out there. And it’s funny to see that my partner and I are now one of the old-timers, having been together eleven years, gotten married, and then got really famous for being married. And it’s also nice to see Asian-white male couples who are acutely aware of their race politics… and live their lives out.
I remember when my partner and I were first dating, and we would hold hands in the Castro or in Union Square, and people would do double takes seeing two Asian guys together who obviously weren’t related. I remember getting the confused stares from fellow Asians with white partners who wondered what we were about — and the creepy, lust-filled looks from white guys trying to imagine us in bed. It’s nice to see that this is no longer such a novelty.
Hopefully, this post — however long-winded as it is — will put an end to my own personal frustration of seeing all the straight Asian people bitch and moan.
You all got it lucky. Look at my frickin’ dating pool.
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The Fighting 44s » Blog Archive » The Fighting 44’s in SF Gate wrote:
[...] this article by Jeff Yang from Efren at the 8Asians website. (Don’t click on Efren’s article if you’re at work–it may not be work [...]
Posted on 18-Jun-08 at 9:52 am | Permalink
Friday Leftovers | diabola in musica wrote:
[...] A (relative) old-timer expounds on the difficulties of dating when you’re a gay Asian male. In the past, many gay Asian males date Caucasian guys in America to the point where it’s “revolutionary” to date another Asian guy. Seeing how many Asian women also date Caucasian men (and also are burdened with the submissive stereotype), it says to me three things: (1) there are lots more Caucasian men than Asian men in America, (2) Caucasian men are likely to have the pick of the litter because of their social desirability, and (3) the Asian submissive stereotype is not limited to women. But still, since the gay dating pool is so much smaller, it becomes clear how straight (or bi) people have it so much easier when it comes to racial dating politics. [...]
Posted on 20-Jun-08 at 4:12 am | Permalink
Devon wrote:
Hi,
I’m African American and I have been in a loving relationship with my Brooklyn born Asian boyfriend for the past three years. His brother is also married to a a woman who is from Barbados and have two kids. Both brothers are both practicing Buddhists. We have never subjected one another to exoticism but rather rejoice in and embrace one another’s similarities not the differences. No two people are the same. Culture can even vary from family to family. But we all have a common ground. Holidays in our family are a hoot. I retain my Christianity he retains his Buddhism. We celebrate two New Years and boy can he make a mean Hoppin’ John ( Southern Black Eyed Peas). On our kitchen table is a holder for chopsticks and forks, Louisiana hot sauce, hoisin, and bamboo for luck. Don’t get so hung up on labels. Just be you. By the way I let him “wear the pants”. He’s taller.
Posted on 10-Aug-08 at 6:02 pm | Permalink
carlos wrote:
Hi,
I’m African American and I have been in a loving relationship with my Brooklyn born Asian boyfriend for the past three years..
}}} please let me know as black male how i can get an Asian male. I have never met one who was not just interested in white guys, even to the point, of pretending asians and blacks were not even in the room.
Posted on 24-Aug-08 at 11:15 pm | Permalink
Warubozu wrote:
Aloha from Hawaii.
It is very interesting how the GAM experience here in Hawaii is so much different than other places in the US. Asian-Asian couples are the norm here and we teased (playfully) the Asians who dated white guys.
I can’t say for sure why being “sticky rice” is closer to the norm but I think it has to do with the fact that Hawaii is such a multicultral Asian community that being white put you in the minority. If you dated a white guy you were the odd one. Things have changed since then and dating a caucasian isn’t odd - but neither is dating another Asian.
I remember my first vacation in SF as an adult GAM. I went to N’Touch where there were many attractive Asian guys and they were looking at white guys - older white guys. That was my first experience with the “sticky rice” taboo and to this day I still don’t understand it. Do other ethnicities have similar - I don’t know what to call this - attitudes? Beliefs? Hang ups? Do Latinos frown upon dating other Latinos?
About the “Asians have small dicks” stereotype. Asians and Pacific Islanders are the majority in all but a few schools here so in the high school locker rooms that was all we saw - other Asian dicks. In the years before the Internet we didn’t have the opportunity to see naked guys except in the locker rooms so really, we all had similar dicks. Don’t get me wrong, there were small dicks and big dicks but they were for the most part - Asian dicks. Maybe that’s why my generation of friends don’t have hang ups about the size of our dicks? I don’t know, just a guess. This sounds like Hawaii has a real “small town mentality” and maybe it was when I was growing up but I remember my college roommate telling me that there were no Asians in his hometown so in a way, isn’t this similar?
One of my friends in SF referred to me as his “jap friend” in Hawaii. I asked him about it and he said that was a common term and didn’t understand why it bothered me. In Hawaii, “jap” is a derogatory term, maybe not as widely recognized and distasteful as “nigger” but believe it or not - close to it.
Come to Hawaii were you will find the entire spectrum of Asians, Pacific Islanders, caucasians, Latinos, Blacks, and many interesting combinations- maybe one of them will be your Mr. Right!
Posted on 30-Aug-08 at 4:30 pm | Permalink
Thomas wrote:
Im am African American and I was deeply touched my your article. I learned a lot this month about being gay and Asian and it’s been enlightening. My boss is a young Asian male and I think he’s handsome. He just happens to be into Black women and not men. LOL
Posted on 01-Sep-08 at 9:04 am | Permalink
Lexi wrote:
Hey Carlos & Thomas,
If you want to look for Asian men, you have to look for Asian men who are not caught up in being the white boys royal pet! Most Asian in general feel that they are in with the white culture, but they are not, because it has to cum with a price! So if you can get an Asian man who is self confident, then that’s the guy who you’ll be able to meet. Odd thing is that white guys are running to blackmen in droves! GO FIGURE!
Posted on 13-Sep-08 at 7:47 pm | Permalink
Rod wrote:
Oh well we like what we like right?. I don’t have a problem with White guys it’s just I really don’t feel some urge to date one. They are more acceptable always and I want to grow and learn with another male of color. I don’t think that I would reject a White guy if we could relate to each other or the attraction is there but I definitely perfer Asian men. I once dated a bi curious White guy in the past and I helped him to find himself but I didn’t feel a strong connection with him. He ended up messing around with other random Black guys so I guess he learned nothing at all. (sighs)
Well I do have a few Asian guys that I really like alot but they are either to freakin’ far away or I’m just like some sexual fantasy “friend” too them. I also seem to always attract the MARRIED Asian men. *hey why do I always attract the married men?!* lol Ugh damn the frustrations!….
Posted on 25-Sep-08 at 4:26 pm | Permalink
ER wrote:
Efren I cannot agree more with your comments. As an Asian guy, when I first came out I had self-esteem issues. I was blindly conditioned by the American mainstream media that “white guys are the pinnicle of masculine beauty” and I didn’t even realize what it was doing to my own self-worth. I wasn’t “chasing” white guys per se, but I was definitely chasing a dream of having a white boyfriend. “Luckily” for me, my first BF was a handsome white-guy who was 26 at the time (I was 19). However, my insecurities about my own self-worth and the fear that he might be “stolen” by other Asian guys led to a lot of problems between us and eventually I broke off our relationship. That did even more damage to my already fragile self-worth and self-esteem. I then went into an emotional low. Following that, I did the gay club thing for a while, hooked up with some guys from either the internet and/or clubs that I didn’t really find attractive (some guys I found attractive but not all), while at the same time hating myself from the inside. Now “lucky” for me I am a slightly different kind of Asian breed that goes against the “stereotyped” GAM: I am tall, well-built, and straight acting. This apparently sells well among the rice-queens. In addition, quite often I would get some sticky GAM that approached me online or in clubs, showing their interests in me. However, being so experience-dependent and conditioned by the stupid American mainstream media, I would reject almost all Asians that approached me, including the gorgeous ones. What I did not realize at that time was that by rejecting those people I was rejecting a part of myself deeply inside.
It wasn’t until when I was 25 that I had my first experience with another fellow Asian man. He was a smart “sticky” GAM (Harvard educated, btw), and when we talked about our past experiences that’s when I realized how much I was missing out and how much self-loathing I was engaging. I had an awakening moment; I started to see Asian guys in another light, and it was truly liberating. I cried for days (once it starts it’s very difficult to stop) and when I was done I feel as if I was reborn again. It was a detoxification from all the unhealthy emotional and spiritual poisons that the media and my own expectations have been fed to my soul. Unfortunately I learned the lesson the hard way by experiencing all that bottled up pain. I wish none of you guys have to go through what I did.
After that, even though it was hard for me to rebuild my ego, I managed to build a much better one. Now I am in a much better place than I was 8-9 years ago. I am more confident, understanding, and according to my girl-friends, sexy. I find Asian guys very very attractive now. In fact I am now looking for an Asian boyfriend, but the problem is that the majority of Asian guys out there are now in a place that i was at 8-9 years ago: they don’t date other Asian guys, but rather see each other as rivals for other rice-queen GWMs.
Posted on 07-Oct-08 at 9:51 pm | Permalink
PK wrote:
I am in a relationship with a Chinese male aged 30, I am 58 from Australia, I love him very much, I have been told in the past that the Chinese especially like to get out of China and therefore some use us foreigners to do so and then leave us for a younger male or better looking male.
Can anyone plese give me any advice?
Posted on 23-Oct-08 at 8:55 pm | Permalink
Cheng wrote:
If you don’t believe him, maybe you could test him that you would move to China and live with him then see how he reacts.
Me being Chinese and my ex-bf who is black broke up 9 month ago, but we still keep in touch, send a email to each other every weekend to say hello and what’s going on. I know we still got a feeling for each other, but we both know that’s never gonna happen again. We became the best friends or like what he said: I’m his family!
Posted on 03-Nov-08 at 11:32 pm | Permalink
Andrew wrote:
This is aquestion for Warubozu.
I’m an Asian male student from the Midwest and I’m thinking of living in Hawaii for a while, because I’ve heard that the Asian (both gay and straight) American dating experience is better. Throughout my experience I have found that many gay men of color (Asians, blacks, latinos) prefer to date white men. I always grew up thinking this was the norm. My boss, who is a black gay man told me that at first when he came here (he’s from the south) that he thought it was only gay black men that prefer white men, but told me that he later discovered its other people of color that prefer white men. Things wouldn’t be so bad if the reverse were true. But its not. White men prefer to date only white men, mainly. Looking at the demographics, it seems like its not too surprising. Most of the people here are white. Growing up with mainly white boys as your peers, where first crushes are formed, that’s who we tend to be attracted to, or at least me. However, I would like to change that. I’ve grown up in a place where there is a lot of internalized racism and self-hatred. Asian men don’t want to date Asian men (I’m guilty of the same thing) and often fight to the death (okay not literally) for the next white boy whose into Asian boys. It doesn’t matter how good looking the white boy is or is not, he usually has his pick of the litter and can therefore afford to be a jerk. I would like to be able to change this, b/c I feel if I settle for a white boy just because he’s white, I’ll be cheating myself. My friend told me that I need to go to a place where Asian men are valued, respected and appreciated. What do you think? What can you tell me about the gay Asian-American experience there?
Posted on 30-Nov-08 at 7:00 pm | Permalink