“Asian” According to Urbandictionary.com

On a lark, I decided to look up “Asian” and found 292 different entries. As you can probably imagine, many many many of them are racist and not worth repeating here. However, to my surprise, some are funny, others disgusting, most are about sex, and some of them are downright strange and had little to no connection with actual Asians.

As a screenwriter, Urbandictionary.com is like a bible to me. I use it whenever I need a word or a phrase. For example, I was recently working on a script and wanted to say someone was an extreme pervert. So I typed “pervert” in the handy search bar and what did I find?  Pervert 5000, which means, “the epitimy [sic] of being a pervert.” This is how they used it in a sentence: “I was getting a lap dance by a beautiful woman, while my friend was drinking a beer at the table, by himself, looking like a pervert 5000.”

On a lark, I decided to look up “Asian” and found 292 different entries. As you can probably imagine, many, many, many of them are racist and not worth repeating here. However, to my surprise, some are funny, others disgusting, most are about sex, and some of them are downright strange and had little to no connection with actual Asians.

Some of the most popular subjects are: Asians and grades, Asian food and sex, Asians and drinking, dating Asians, Asian women and sex, Asian women and their stunning beauty, Asians and driving, Asian eyes, Asian penis size, prostitution, and Asian gangs.

One thing I found interesting was that it was clear that some of the entries were submitted by Asian/Asian Americans because they are a little too insightful and funny. I cut and paste some of my favorite below.

Because I’m always looking out for you (dear reader) I clicked on each of the 292 entries (so you don’t have to), here are some of the ones that made me smile, laugh, or shake my head sadly for humanity:

Authors note. Some things to keep in mind before you begin:

  1. I didn’t look up any derogatory words or any API group specifically. I’m sure there are thousands more entries if I wanted to find them.
  2. I’m cutting and pasting so please excuse the typos.
  3. I didn’t come up with these so don’t blame me if you get offended or disgusted. Remember, this is the Internet and these were submitted by people who are not named Koji.

Category #1: WTF?

  • Asian Cartwheel: Doing a cartwheel through a pile of rice.
  • Asian Divinity: Asian divinity is a term for ear wax.
  • AsianFright: The shock you get when an Asian person walks right by you from behind, and you didn’t expect it to happen
  • Asian Jesus: Asian with dreads, not necessarily christian
  • Asian Neck: An injury sustained to the neck when you have to turn your head quickly to get a better look at a hot Asian chick.
  • Asian Thunderstorm: When you cum on a girl’s face and then lay a huge fart in her face.
  • Asian Torpedo: The act of a girl taking a shit and freezing it. Once completely frozen, the girl will then use it as a dildo until it gets warm and mushy again.

Category #2. These had to be submitted by Asian/Asian Americans.

  • Asian Adjacent: A term coined by comedian, actress, recording artist, designer, and author, Margaret Cho. It means someone who looks kind of Asian, and might be somewhat , but not quite there.
  • Asian Boy: A type of boy that is from China, Korea, Japan, Mongolia or any other Asian country. He has good hair, beautiful eyes and nice manners. Asian boys are attractive and smart.
  • Asian Cuddles: The act of one person resting his or her head on another person’s shoulders (in a completely platonic way). Apparently a common thing for friends to do in China when one of them is tired.
  • Asian Dick: Despite common perceptions, it’s usually larger than white dick
  • Asian Kobe: The only one and trully [sic] one Asian that can be Kobe on the courts of street basketball… his name is Eric Min. He is Asian and he owns in basketball. He is black @ where it counts.. in bed and on the court… DUN DUN DUN… damn he shoots fadeaways, dunks, drives in and shoots in your face from time to time during buzzer shots… He averages 30 points per a game and has injured his hand. (Author’s note: This is my favorite one because I think they are talking about me!)
  • Asian Standard Time: A term used to describe late Asians. They basically arrive whenever they want. Depending on their mood, they can arrive a minute late, or an hour late.

Check out some entries out for yourself and let me know your favorites.

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Author: Koji Steven Sakai

Writer/Producer Koji Steven Sakai is the founder of Little Nalu Pictures LLC and the CEO of CHOPSO (www.CHOPSO.com), the first Asian English streaming video service. He has written five feature films that have been produced, including the indie hit, The People I’ve Slept With. He also produced three feature films, a one hour comedy special currently on Netflix, and Comedy InvAsian, a live and filmed series featuring the nation’s top Asian American comedians. Koji’s debut novel, Romeo & Juliet Vs. Zombies, was released in paperback in 2015 and in audiobook in 2016 and his graphic novel, 442, was released in 2017. In addition, he is currently an adjunct professor in screenwriting at International Technological University in San Jose.