My Chinese Monster-in-Law

By akrypti | Tuesday, October 25, 2011 | 104 Comments

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chinese mother in law 600x374 My Chinese Monster in Law

Screw that Confucian nonsense. Let’s not even get into the quagmire of East and West cliches; that exercise has never proven productive. Let’s just state this for what it is: my Chinese mother-in-law is a monster.

She objectifies me. I am the wife of her son, a wife that thankfully has credentials she can brag about to her friends. But that’s the extent of it. Actually, my credentials bug her, because it means I don’t have the time to obey her command to have her grandbabies right now. Every time she sees me, that’s the command she gives: give me grandbabies now! Where are my grandbabies! After that, she passes me by and completely ignores my existence to dote on her son. She fusses over him, whines about how far away he lives from Mommy, all the time throwing implications my way that it ‘s my fault she’s not already living under the same roof as her son. (Okay, it kind of is. I’ve already resolved death and divorce before I live with that woman.)

I try to understand where she comes from. Everything got taken away from her during the Cultural Revolution and she, a city girl, had to spend her young adult years toiling away on a farm, and gee, really, all this sucks, I feel for that woman, I do. Immigrating to the U.S. to work menial jobs in Chinatown was no walk in the park either, I bet, and the best thing to have ever happened to her (after an abortion or two because the fetuses were female and she wanted a son) was the birth of my husband, her beloved, precious “bao bei er zi“– all hail the Little Emperor.

Now he is great and I mean that. No facetiousness intended. He is a great, great guy, but nowhere near the greatness his mother thinks he is. When she visits us and he comes home from his cushy cubicle desk job at 6, she mollycoddles him with all this “you poor Atlas, you! Coochie, coochie, coo. Weight of the world on your shoulders. Work was tough and stressful, wasn’t it! Don’t you worry. Mommy is here!” He can do no wrong in her eyes. It’s either his boss’s fault, his company’s fault, the world’s fault, or my fault.

What’s more she constantly implies that I don’t keep the house (MY house) clean enough for her son, so whenever she visits, will set about cleaning it herself. Nevermind that I work full-time and am starting my own small business on the side (not related to the “working full-time”; hence the “and”) and manage several non-profits and spend the bulk of my weekends doing pro bono and am trying to do research for a book. It is of no significance whatsoever that I hold the highest degree out of anyone in her family, nuclear or extended, dead or alive, ancestors inclusive, and am working my hardest to apply that degree. It is more considerable whether I have wiped the kitchen table clean enough for Hubby to eat. Nevermind that Hubby has all his arms and legs and could in theory wipe the table clean himself.

Every time we visit her, we spend a small fortune on gifts because she declares stuff like “I love it when my son buys me gifts!” (actual quote, no exaggeration) so to keep her happy, my husband lavishes her with gifts, half of which I’m sure she does not use or does not know how to use, but loves all the same because she can tell they were expensive. The more expensive, by the way, the more she loves. We pay all her bills, we give her money for new cars, new toys, new gadgets, new everything. We pay her travel expenses to China. We pay for everything so, again, she can brag to her friends about how successful her son is, proof of that success being his ability to pay for all her shit.

In my presence, she insults my Taiwanese culture and political beliefs. She refers to Taiwanese foods, people, and fashions as “stupid,” “weird,” and “silly, those silly, silly Taiwanese people… who are really Chinese. We are all Chinese. *cough* One China.”

And in my presence, she makes fun of my mother. Now granted, it would not be an entirely inaccurate observation to say that my mother is an overly religious, overly superstitious housewife who sometimes acts like a Japanime character on speed. I can say that my mother acts funny, but you can’t. And the monster-in-law, an atheist whose sole beliefs of divinity are (1) her son and (2) the unstoppable rise of modern China, constantly remarks that my mother acts funny. Thankfully the husband intervenes at these times and will tell his mother not to say such things in my presence. But then she gets resentful, defensive, and exclaims, “I’m not saying anything bad! I’m just saying Taiwanese people are strange. Her mother is strange!”

Finally, worst of all, and the real reason I nitpick at every other abhorrent thing she does, is if she could have things her way, she would have full custody over my womb. Every day, every hour, every minute with her it’s “Where are my grandbabies? Where are my grandbabies? When are you going to have my grandbabies? You have to have my grandbabies. I want grandbabies. Where are my grandbabies? Grandbabies!!” Oh, and when I explain to her that my eyes are focused on my career, she calls me selfish. A less selfish daughter-in-law would have grandbabies already.

As all women who’ve married Chinese men will know, I’ve only scratched the surface of the horrors that come part and parcel with having a Chinese mother-in-law. I recently came across Kristy Shih’s article, “Power, Resistance, and Emotional Economies in Women’s Relationships With Mothers-in-Law in Chinese Immigrant Families,” an academic dissertation that basically uses big words to say “Chinese mothers-in-law are manipulative anti-feminist bitches.”

Shih and Pyke’s article discusses the ways that mothers-in-law reinforce patriarchy and male privilege when they try to force the daughters-in-law into submission, and how this continues even today, amongst Chinese American families. The Chinese mother-in-law doesn’t care about the daughter-in-law’s ambitions and accomplishments. It’s not in her best interest to care. It is in her best interest to care about whether the daughter-in-law will look after the son in the absence of the mother, whether she will adequately cook and clean and fawn over him as the mother has, to do exactly as the mother has for the son and no different (hence all the criticisms and passive aggressive facial expressions of disappointment whenever the daughter-in-law does something that diverges from the way the mother does it). Ambitions and accomplishments are matters for the husband, for her son, because they give the mother-in-law even more reasons to brag and gloat about her boy. Ambitions and accomplishments in the daughter-in-law, ultimately, mean nothing. That is why mothers-in-law are the ultimate enablers of patriarchy and male privilege.

Another informative piece I came across, a blog post by Jocelyn Eikenburg, “The Troubling Chinese Mother-in-Law Relationship,” delves into filial piety and the pervasiveness of the mother-in-law / daughter-in-law tension in Chinese society. It could also be a general Asian thing, after reading the Hyphen piece, “Me, You, and Your Mama Too,” and sure, sure, the argument can absolutely be made that it’s just a human nature thing, that in every culture throughout history, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship has been deadlocked and tricky.

Yet something very specific may be said about the Chinese mother-in-law, a woman whose life has been affected by the Cultural Revolution and the One Child Policy. She is a woman who did not have it easy and was deprived of so much that in the end, all her hopes, ambitions, and dreams were singly channeled into her one child, a son. She has had so little control over the other aspects of her life that now, the least she wants, the least she is asking for is to be able to control her son (and grandbabies). And me, the Americanized contemporary career woman with one too many ideas and opinions, is in her way. Perhaps, then, I’m the one being perceived as the monster. Alrightey. Well. Cheers to that. And may the scarier monster prevail.

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Facebook Comments (Beta)

Keith Oh

I’ve always said that probably the greatest reason for the AM/AF marriage disparity is because of the prospect of living under the tyranny of the AM’s mother. So really it’s asian women messing up asian men’s chances with other asian women. Kudos to you for taking the leak and the risk Akrypti.
http://thylacine.livejournal.com/ ErikaHarada

I’m sorry you have to deal with her awfulness. I can’t believe she would insult your mother and call your heritage “weird”. That’s just disgusting.
johnklin

You should have married a Taiwanese American man so you would have Taiwanese American in-laws!
Kimiye

Wow. I don’t feel so bad about marrying a white guy. His mother mostly ignores me, and vice versa. My mother and the rest of the family gave up on grandchildren from us, until we surprised everyone. But we had our son for ourselves, not out of familial obligation. Hope you are able to make that decision without the pressure of your MIL.
raymonst

“She is a woman who did not have it easy and was deprived of so much that in the end, all her hopes, ambitions, and dreams were singly channeled into her one child, a son. She has had so little control over the other aspects of her life that now, the least she wants, the least she is asking for is to be able to control her son (and grandbabies).”

i think that’s the gist of it. but again, that doesn’t give her an excuse to insult your heritage.
A_Lee

Sounds like Mr. Akrypti needs to step it up, or put his foot down, depending on which metaphor you prefer.
hmoobguy

I believe that many asian moms are like this today. Although it is mostly the older people only. My grandma was like this to my mom, but not as extreme. My mom never talks anything bad about my grandma, but from stories I’ve heard about their relationship when I was a baby, it was BAD. I don’t know a lot about the past of their relationship, but I just know my mom went through some tough stuff, because of my grandma.
Takuma

I was right about all Asian moms or grandmothers acting in a similar way!! Whenever my grandmother calls she asks if I have a girlfriend and I have to regretfully say no to which she remark that I am 20(still relatively young). But it sounds like you have 10x more problems…I would have refused to talk to a mother in law if she insulted where I was from like that. You have amazing amounts of tolerance.
mwei

@A_Lee the title needs to be the tiger mom in law. lol
mwei

@Keith Oh I blame Amy Tan more than the MILs
lfdu

Please leave the stupid generalizations to yourself. Overbearing mother-in-laws are not exclusive to asians, and good mother-in-laws are not exclusive to white people. It takes all kinds. A bad chinese mother-in-law does not represent all asian mils and likewise, a good white mil does not represent all white mils.
http://www.8Asians.com/ jozjozjoz

@mwei@A_Lee NO TIGERS!
Takuma

@jozjozjoz @mwei @A_Lee DEAD TO ME!!!11!1!
Takuma

@mwei @Keith I never liked Amy tan and how she writes about “Chinese culture” Always seems to focus on the worst parts and really is not something that is an accurate description. Oh and the Joy luck club is a horrible book.
Takuma

@mwei @Keith I never liked Amy tan and how she writes about “Chinese culture” Always seems to focus on the worst parts and really is not something that is an accurate description. Oh and the Joy luck club is a horrible book.
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@mwei@A_Lee What Joz said. Plus, wouldn’t tiger mom imply that she’s tough on her kid? Because she’s not. I don’t picture her calling her son “garbage.” Instead, I picture her extolling his virtues and awesomeness and exaggerating those virtues and awesomeness beyond reason. And she’s not “tough” on me either. I don’t think she gives a hoot whether I practice the violin. And I mean no disrespect whatsoever to the mothers, but I hardly think popping out a baby is … you know what, I’ll stop right there. :: foot, mouth ::
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@Takuma lol, except clearly that tolerance isn’t as amazing as you say because I wrote and posted this rant…
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@hmoobguy Oh lordy I so hope that it will be different in the generations beyond. Except… you can’t help but realize that all these crazy mothers-in-law used to be daughters-in-law themselves, and through even tougher times, so you’d think they’d gain an ounce or two of empathy and compassion over the years for their daughters-in-law, but no. None! Sigh.
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@Kimiye lfdu unjustly pounced on you and for that person to respond to your comment with “you can’t make generalizations! everybody is different! every race has good and bad folk!” is not exactly profound shit in itself either, but I would nonetheless like to point out here that the title of this piece “monster-in-law” came from a blockbuster movie where the mother-in-law in question was white.
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@ErikaHarada That is hardly the most disgusting thing she does and her bigotry is hardly limited to Taiwanese people. Not by any measure at all. Isn’t that sad?
Danny_Ahmed

At first, the post sounded typical of what a lot of Chinese mother-in-laws were like. Then I read the part where she insulted your mother in your presence. That’s too overboard. Insulting the heritage like that already crosses the line, a slap in the face but going after your parent is hitting below the belt.

Yeah, it’s true that in the past, a lot of these Chinese MILS were a lot of worst. Some of the newer generation ones did learn to be a tad bit better (I can attest to that from some of my relatives) but there are quite a lot who haven’t.
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@Keith Oh In my younger activist years and before marriage, I would have replied vehemently and self-righteously that the MIL theory for the IR disparity is hogwash and just an excuse used to validate a form of internalized racism among AFs, except I’m married now and dealing with the MIL problem and it’s a little bit hard to see the big picture from my position. From where I’m standing, I can’t help but remark yes, you’re right, the AM’s mother can be a HUGE impediment. It’s gotten to the point where when my little sister tells me she is currently seeing an Asian guy (she typically dates white), my first question is, “What do you know about his mother?” How horrible is that.
Takuma

@akrypti Maybe, I might have rage quit all interaction in a somewhat similar case. But if you say so. I will just take your word about how tolerant you are lol.
http://www.8asians.com/author/akrypti/ akrypti

@Danny_Ahmed In my rant I forgot how to write logically and neglected to give China-specific examples. It’s my understanding that the MIL grew up in a climate that discouraged religion and folklore. So she favors modernism. My mother, bless her soul, always means well but can be a bit nutty at times. She’s a tad too attached to those old school folk beliefs, folk remedies, and superstitions. I think someone holding on to these folksie beliefs is particularly offensive to mainland Chinese people, or at the very least it seems to be particularly offensive to my MIL, because they see it as an impediment to modernization. For example, the MIL thinks feng shui is a bunch of hullabaloo and anyone who subscribes to feng shui is an uneducated backward idiot. My mother, in contrast, thinks feng shui can singlehandedly launch you into success or ruin your life. Two very extreme views, granted.
http://thylacine.livejournal.com/ ErikaHarada

@lfdu It seemed the point of the post was not to say Chinese MILs are bad, but to talk about the possible cultural reasons why bad Chinese MILs are bad…not to say that all Chinese moms are bad MILs (which I know to be untrue)
Danny_Ahmed

@akrypti In a way, your mom is sort of like my mom. So, I can actually sympathize just a little bit with that situation. She doesn’t worship the different deities but we keep many traditions, folk remedies and superstitions as well. I think I know what you mean regarding the Mainland Chinese. My family gave some gifts, certain cakes and red pockets for my China Classmates and co-workers for certain Chinese holidays, but almost half of them didn’t know why or know what it was.

Earlier, I wanted to mention about the Chinese MILS from other places like Southeast Asia, HK or maybe Taiwan. Like they didn’t go through the Cultural Revolution or other stuff on the Mainland, but they can be pretty hard ass on their DILS too.
lfdu

@ErikaHarada I don’t know how else to interpret “I don’t feel so bad about marrying a white guy.” If this is not an implication that white guys have good mils, and asians have bad mils, then why even bring up the white part? Why not ‘I am glad my mil is not like that’. Also, I am addressing the comment, not the blog post. I am not going to argue that blogger has a shitty mil because I am not there. Just pointing out there are few Amy Tan Kingstons types out justifying their bias or self pity based on a some narrow views.
http://thylacine.livejournal.com/ ErikaHarada

@lfdu I was actually referring to akrypti’s original post…I didn’t see Kimiye’s comment until now. I also think it’s being oversimplifying by implying that marrying a white guy would automatically get rid of MIL woes.
lfdu

@ErikaHarada Looking at akrypti’s post, I thought she made the distinction between Chinese, the nationality, and Chinese, the ethnicity. I was assuming that was the case with the China flag picture and all the Taiwan stories, which is why it riles me up when Kimiye turned it into a white yellow race comparison.

Unfortunately akrypti, your latest comment “I can’t help but remark yes, you’re right, the AM’s mother can be a HUGE impediment.” sure offset that. I can only say, divorce, marry a white guy and then join the Tans and Kingstons and write a book about it.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

@lfdu@ErikaHarada

As a fan of Asian American literature, I am deeply offended that you would even suggest that esteemed Asian American female authors like Tan and Kingston would humiliate themselves by divorcing Asian men and then marrying White. To do so would be to marry Asian men, which would mean touching them. Ew. To be a part of the club, you need to really be a part of The Club, and that means no non-White men.

http://www.bigwowo.com/2010/06/asian-femal-celebrity-unio/

Seriously speaking, I think the issue isn’t marrying Asian MILs, but Asian guys who don’t speak up for their wives.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

What is going on with Livefyre? Aiya!
nannaia

With the whole grandbabies thing, she’s probably worried about her eventual mortality and wants to be able to see her grandchildren before it’s too late (made worse by the fact she has only one son). Granted, once there are grandchildren in the picture she could be beyond insufferable. Frankly I think your husband needs to speak up to his mother and say, “Ma, please leave my wife alone!”
xiaolei622

Chinese mother in laws have been behaving this way for thousands of years. #sadtruth Of course not all them are like this but stereotypes exist for a reason and your particular MIL seems to have fallen into the majority. When you marry a Chinese person, you’re not just marrying that person but his/her whole family…..so I think it was actually quite wise of you to advise your sister to make sure she gets along with her bf’s mom.

Funny story: my grandmother, who has 3 sons and 1 daughter, constantly complains that her DILs don’t take good enough care of her sons, yet this same grandma complains that her own daughter works too hard because she has to do all the housework and wait on her husband. So…. yeah. I guess parents can be fairly biased when it comes to their own children.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

@lfdu@ErikaHarada

As a fan of Asian American literature, I am deeply offended that you would even suggest that esteemed Asian American female authors like Tan and Kingston would humiliate themselves by divorcing Asian men and then marrying White. To do so would be to marry Asian men, which would mean touching them. Ew. To be a part of the club, you need to really be a part of The Club, and that means no non-White men.

http://www.bigwowo.com/2010/06/asian-femal-celebrity-unio/

Seriously speaking, I think the issue isn’t marrying Asian MILs, but Asian guys who don’t speak up for their wives.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

Personally, I’m not really into this whole “marrying the family” thing. While I agree with it, I think marriage should be mostly between two individuals. I agree with much of what has been said below, but in the end, I think children need to stand up for their spouses, even when risking their parental relationships.
Keith Oh

(Note, I meant taking the leap, not taking the leak. Sorry for the typo)

As the only child of Korean immigrant parents, my wife got an extra dose of the Asian MIL syndrome in the early years. The kicker was that her MIL was according to the family, nothing but deferential to her. You would figure she would pay it forward unto the next generation but no. Thankfully a couple applications of two week long silent treatments and stern talk therapy has made the relationship manageable. I believe the guy really has to step up in these cases.

@akrypti
Takuma

@bigWOWO @lfdu @ErikaHarada As much as I wish it wasn’t true…it is indeed very true that nearly every Asian American female writer, actor, and what have you is married or in a relationship with a white guy. Good thing I pay more attention to Asian media, I would be too disheartened with the prevalence of the AFCC lol.
xiaolei622

@bigWOWO I agree with you that marriage should be just about 2 individuals, but alas, it’s not something that we can always control (unless we explicitly choose not to marry someonewith a controlling mother).

Maybe it’s easier for 3rd or 4th generation AAs to tell their parents to butt out of their marriages, but for people whose parents are 1st gen. immigrants (such as akrypti’s MIL), the cultural practices/beliefs of the motherland are still deeply ingrained within them. Plus, according to traditional chinese culture, filial piety (which includes producing grandchildren) is the greatest virtue a person can achieve & not obeying your parents or perceived disloyalty is the greatest, most unredeemable sin. You said that children need to stand up for their spouses to their parents …..but how? (I’m not being sarcastic, i really want to know.) Not everyone is willing to risk disownment, even if they take their spouse’s side in their own heart.
xiaolei622

My point is, when it comes to cultural beliefs, there’s no right or wrong, only what ideas you’re used to/can accept. I know it seems to our western sensibilities that this MIL is a monster but in her actions are completely in line with her own cultural expectations of her son&DIL. Anyone in mainland china would say that this MIL is acting “like normal.”
sbard

@Keith Oh My (white) cousin broke up with her Taiwanese-American boyfriend in large part because of his mom.
Kimiye

@akrypti This is what I get for attempting to joke. I take heat for marrying a white guy (even though my father was one), so the “upside” is a white MIL that mostly ignored me and wasn’t thrilled that I brought forth a part-Asian son. My FIL didn’t even acknowledge grandson’s existence until he was a year old, after having complained that “I bombed the Japanese and now my son’s marrying one.”

So, I’ve experienced my share of “generalizations” and suffered the opposite of your experience. For my part, I kept my son away from his grandparents since they were wont to start in on how the “n-words” were ruining America during every family visit. Somehow the lack of closeness became a blessing.

As for choosing to have children, or when, I feel for your situation and hope that whatever you decide, you and your husband are able to make your choice without duress.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

Why shouldn’t you risk disownment?

Think about it. If your parents are making your spouse’s life hell, who should you support this kind of behavior?Let me tell you what a friend of mine did. She’s in her fifties, but when she first got married, her parents were coming over and criticizing her husband. She told them to stop, and they did for a while, and then they started again. She told them again, and they did the same. Then finally she said, “If this doesn’t stop, we don’t want you coming here anymore.”

It stopped.

Now the parents could’ve just as easily said, “Screw you! We’re the parents, and we’ll turn your house into a fucking barn if we want.”

But if that’s the way it’s going to be, you’re better off without those parents.

Keep in mind that even within Asian parents, there’s a range. Some are perfectly good people (I happen to LOVE my in-laws), some carry baggage, and some are just total incorrigible assholes. The secret, I think, is to prioritize your spouse and let everything flow from that.
http://www.bigwowo.com/ bigWOWO

@Takuma@lfdu@ErikaHarada I need to take your advice, Takuma!
mwei

@akrypti

tiger MIL would call the spouse “garbage”

and didn’t your tiger mom in law call you “garbage” indirectly in your piece?
mwei

@Takuma those stuff does exist in that nebulous thing of “Chinese culture” – except China has many sub-cultures and 56 ethnicities…

I’m sort of with Frank Chin’s school in that Amy Tan makes up chop suey BS to fool the gweilos into buying her book: look at how weird and “exotic” the orientals are.

the whole “cultural informant” thing with APA literature has been done to death so I’ll spare you the mundane argument…
xiaolei622

@bigWOWO

Yeah but alot of Chinese men were brought up being babied and spoiled by their mothers and have become total momma’s boys. I dont think those men WANT to prioritize their wife if it means antagonizing their mother. There’s also this unspoken implication that I’ve noticed Chinese mothers impart to their sons, which is roughly: a wife is replaceable, she’s just someone who’s there to bear your children, but the people you’re related to by blood are your real family and those bonds can’t be broken. I mean, I don’t know how other overseas Chinese were brought up, but I’m just providing POV from mainlanders.
mwei

@akrypti payback is a bitch. don’t have any sons so you perpetuate the cycle.
mwei

@akrypti you better hope she doesn’t read English and/or this blog.
mwei

@xiaolei622 uhm, she’s in American I believe…
mwei

@xiaolei622 she’s in America, the retirement home awaits her.

I’m talking about backgammon. get her on mahjong please.

seriously, the Chinese have figured this out a long time ago: get them hooked on mahjong and they’ll leave you alone for good.