New York Times Writer Describes Mother’s White Worship One Day After UCLA Anti-Asian Racial Slurs

By Guest Writer | Monday, December 3, 2012 | 9 Comments

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by Leeland Lee

In a piece published online last Thursday in The New York Times entitled “A Messy Relationship,” Titi Nguyen describes her mother’s pivotal role in introducing her to her future significant other, a man by the name of Douglas. The narrative takes an intriguing turn because Nguyen’s parents both work as housekeepers for Douglas’s parents. Also discussed at great lengths is their age difference: Douglas is 16 years older than Nguyen, who is in her early 20s.

Midway through the article, we learn that race may have been a motivating factor behind the mother’s choice of Douglas. Nguyen writes:

“My mother’s reaction to our relationship was so enthusiastic that it roused my suspicions. I wondered if her excitement was linked to Douglas’s whiteness, his Americanness. Unlike most traditional Asian mothers, she encouraged me to date white men. Surely someone who grew up anchored in American culture would be more financially and socially assured…. She also believes that a white man will treasure me more than an Asian man, because I’m different from what he comes from.”

The timing of this article is unfortunate. 3,000 miles away, Asian students at UCLA were still recoiling from the insensitive “white worship” slurs discovered just one day earlier in a woman’s bathroom stall. But even independent of these hate crimes, I felt disheartened after reading Nguyen’s anecdote. Although it is unlikely that she shares her mother’s extreme outlook, she conveys a sense of implied acquiescence by not denouncing her mother’s negative opinion of Asian men. Instead, she writes later, “In bed, my eyes trace the blue veins shooting through the milk of [Douglas’s] skin, like eggshell cracks…. I’m fascinated by the differences between his body and mine.”

There are enough interesting contrasts between Nguyen and Douglas that I began to wonder whether it was really necessary for her to bring race into the mix. In my opinion, her captivating anecdote would not have suffered. More importantly, I began to wonder whether our society lends an institutionalized blind eye to her mother’s offensive opinions regarding Asian men—just as long as these sentiments are attributed to someone else and surrounded by sparkling prose?

As we learned from last week’s hurtful hate crimes, Asian women face difficult challenges in today’s society. But let us not forget that Asian men are also suffering. When any anti-Asian opinions are expressed and seemingly condoned in public—in this case, in no less than our nation’s Newspaper of Record—I feel this does a great disservice to our culture. After reading the sentiments expressed by Nguyen’s mother, I honestly felt somewhat embarrassed for my race.

In the end, I wish Nguyen and Douglas the best of luck with their future together. Given their age and socio-economic differences, even she acknowledges that their relationship faces an uphill struggle. Then again, miracles do happen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Leeland has previously written about the media’s portrayal of Asian males for 8asians.com

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Guest

This comment was taken from the NY times comment section:

“I know many readers will strongly disagree, but I must say that this
short story should have been called “Puppy Love” or “Taboo Love.” It
seems like Nguyen is enamored with this man only because of their
differences in age and race. I find that Nguyen romanticizes the fact
that she is a young Asian woman in a relationship with an older White
man. Nguyen’s intrigued with this man as a child is intrigued by a new
pet puppy.

A “love story” like Nguyen’s has been told, re-told, & examined over
and over again in various books, magazine articles (read Marie Claire:
The New Trophy Wives), & movies/documentaries (check out Slaying the
Dragon). What makes Nguyen’s experience any different than the other
countless books of the “hero” White man saving the Asian woman from
despair? Is it the fact that Nguyen is able to vividly describe the
intricacies & nuances of her time w/ this White man and make it
sound like a mediocre novel? …”

I
think this comment is spot on. Nothing wrong with the relationship..I
mean it’s their business, but it just demonstrates how much
white-worship is prevalent today. In her piece, she also writes: “We eat
our dinners on the living room floor instead. I stretch my legs
out in front of me and he scoots over, leaning against me. He carefully
trims the fat off the edges of his steak and transports the pieces to my
plate, where he knows they’ll be savored. In these times, our
differences
recede into the background.” …So obviously, Asian men don’t do those
things? Or all Asian men are the same that personality
differences/quirks don’t exist? Come on…

But by far, the worst
part is she practically glamorizes her bf’s social awkwardness and
frankly loser-ness. She even admits herself when she is describing the
first date in her piece. I know tons of confident, good looking, rich,
and super smooth Asian guys…but the 35 year old, struggling soul white
guy with varicose veins is somehow something to be idolized? Give me a
break…
http://destroytorebuild.blogspot.com/ MaSir

Wow. Both Titi and her mom must’ve been best friends with Amy Tan.
NotSoSunny

But I wonder what someone would say about a white woman describing her Asian boyfriend in the same way?

I have been told I have a fetish, I am weird, and that my ex boyfriend is actually a closet homosexual…because there’s no other reason we would have for dating each other. We couldn’t possibly have anything in common!
Stop the hate people!
MaSir

We would applaud and commend you because you’re breaking down stereotypes.
cjl2009

It’d be fetishistic and perhaps a little condescending (to treat an Asian man like an exotic pet), but it wouldn’t be loaded with the type of colonial mentality BS that this hideous article contains.
cjl2009

I can almost understand her mother’s ignorance, especially if she’s an immigrant and came from a poor background in Vietnam.

But for her so-called American daughter to so willingly embrace a backwards and colonial mindset is pretty disheartening.
http://www.facebook.com/rachel.stockwood Rachel Stockwood

Let’s not forget that both parents of the girl work for the guy’s parents. Therefore they may have a bit of money. Factor in that the guy is older and will naturally die off first perhaps leaving a bit of the money. Not condoning it but just saying.
NotSoSunny

My boyfriend was my equal in every way and there was nothing about his “Asian-ness” that made him more appealing other than I tend to date men with dark eyes/hair(race NOT considered). To specifically pic a partner b/c of an assumed stereotype is crazy! Would I date an Asian guy again? If we have things in common, yes – not just b/c he is Asian!
NotSoSunny

That is very cool. I think we all need to reevaluate our beliefs and check whether we are buying into stereotypes. It’s a crazy, racist world we live in!

8 Asians