WTF: How To Master Asian Beauty Secrets

By Moye | Monday, December 21, 2009 | View Comments

Hey, readers! Are you not Asian? Have you always wondering why Asians look so beautiful? Well, today is your lucky day, because this video tutorial is going to teach you all of our ancient cultural secrets on maintaining youthful skin and, uh, ginseng steaming.

Yes! You, too, can now look as amazing as these exotic “Asians” just by keeping a stash of washcloths in your fridge and placing them on your face, even if you’re already — and clearly — wearing make-up!

Looking for a easy method to prevent wrinkles? It’s as simple as slicing paper-thin pieces of Panax ginseng root, soaking them in distilled water, steaming them and then drinking the liquid three times a day! (I mean, you’d think that Asians would somehow figure out how to conveniently bottle this ginseng extract by now so you’d skip the whole slicing and steaming crap, but I guess not.)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

Little known fact: Asian people forgo modern conventions like “wide brimmed hats” and “sunscreen” to protect their pristine, white yellow skin with unique contraptions called “parasols”. Yes, it’s true — these strange folks walk around with paper umbrellas to prevent skin damage and cancer.

Alright, I’m done mocking this: please continue in the comments section. I’ve got some coconut to shred and then simmer with equal parts of water and milk, which I will then strain through cheesecloth and refrigerate so I can use the cream on top to moisturize my beautiful face. (LIKE, SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T JUST BUY SOME COCONUT BASED SKIN LOTION FROM CVS? Do these people really think Asians do this? This is how they’re going to kick off 2010 — WITH COCONUT SHREDS BOILED IN MILK?)

[Hat tip: Kristian from Fil-Am Ako]

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johnminh

I tell people the secret to looking young is to watch "Dr Miracles" starring Randall Park. :p
filamako

I just saw this today after my move to Virginia was delayed due to snow showers in Chicago. Great post Moye and thanks for the hat tip.
-Kristian
Efren Bose

well chicken feet has lots of collagen so that MIGHT have something to do with it.

it might just be really good genes and eating relatively healthy period.
anna_baby123

A Chinese beauty secret for good clear wrinkle free skin is to eat lots of Chicken feet.

I used to think my grandma was crazy when she told me this, but actually alot of old school Chinese PRC Auntie types have told me this too......One was a 45 yr old, who seriously looked only 29-30 years old!! No wrinkles, clear skin, she was seriously looking younger than she was...!!

If whites wanna look young like us,they need to put down their BigMacs and start eating the chicken feet!!
facebook-558386605

Since you're Asian (exotic), do you know if the sweetened coconut shreds in the pastry aisle can be used instead of fresh one? And if we're using fresh ones, do we have to use the Asian kind?

Just messing with you.
maria

my mum tells me her secret is eating rice. Want to know why her hair grows so fast ?? It's the rice. Her secret to looking younger than her actual age ??? Rice with fish.
johnklin

I know of no Asian women who has ever done any of this...
jeffat8asians

Around my neighborhood during the summer, I do see Asian women walking around with umbrellas to keep out the sun. They don't use paper parasols though...
ErnieAtLYD

Jeff, that was probably my mom. Tell her I say hi.
Xxxtine

Asian Beauty Secret #356: Learn how to bargain with the Korean ladies at the cosmetics counter - they give you freebies all the time.
ednacz

That's silly. Everyone knows the secret is to EAT AS MUCH DURIAN AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

(...and now we wait.)
ErnieAtLYD

"MOM! I'M HUNGRY! IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE?"
"I don't know, dear! Just look behind my refrigerated solution of PANAX GINSENG, PEARL POWDER, EGG WHITE, HONEY AND COCONUT!"
"Okay, Mom! Just make sure you use Panax Ginseng and not Siberian ginseng! Don't wanna throw off the white neighbors to think we look older than we already are."

[cue laugh track, Ernie goes into the work bathroom to stab his face]
Efren Bose

Oh, panax ginseng has been known to increase estrogen in women AND men--which can cause men to grow man-boobs.

Which might be a good thing if you're into that sort of thing...and there ARE extracts for ginseng, which would probably be a lot more reliable then making your own every f*cking time. ;) Oh, and vitamin D levels in Asians are known to be extremely low b/c we're all trying to be frickin' light skinned. So get some goddamn sun!

(Ok, I'm turning off the pharmacist part of my brain now. really.)
moye

It's also right behind the purple stuff.

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