Looking Into the Future: Amy Chua’s Parenting Style

By Guest Writer | Sunday, January 9, 2011 | 80 Comments

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4788530149 cfae25a1ae Looking Into the Future: Amy Chua’s Parenting Style By Zahira

Bring together all the stereotypes you know about Asian-American families: hard driving, 1970s immigrants, two highly educated parents with professional careers, free from praise, and full of expectations. Take them all to the extreme, and what do you get? Amy Chua’s parenting techniques. Her recent piece in the WSJ entitled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” sent ripples through Twitter and threatens to get her kicked out of Wikipedia.

Her approach is shocking and brutal, but effective. Read an excerpt from the article — and my thoughts — after the jump.

I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me… I had done this at a dinner party.

the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.

When her daughter Lulu couldn’t play a piano piece, Chua responded by:

threaten[ing] her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn’t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Lulu finally succeeds, probably out of a human survival instinct. Chua sums up her approach by saying:

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”

I want to ask her — so where is that inner confidence? And what is it based on? Personally, I think that type of confidence is a lie and parenting this way does more harm than good. Even in China and India, my country of origin, this type of hard-driving toughness and pressure are beginning to diminish. Perhaps Chua’s clinging to the past is partly rooted in cultural fossilization.

Furthermore, Chua’s work is incomplete; she may have written a book (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) on parenting, but her eldest is only 15, making it incredibly premature. How will how her girls fare as adults? Numerous studies found a link between being American-born of Asian descent and depression and other mental health issues, including suicidality. The major domains explored in the research literature are acculturation, perfectionism, and intergenerational conflict.

Perhaps Chua could stand to learn from her husband, Jed. He says of the “Western” model:

“Children don’t choose their parents,” he once said to me. “They don’t even choose to be born. It’s parents who foist life on their kids, so it’s the parents’ responsibility to provide for them. Kids don’t owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.”

Now I want to hear from you: This type of parenting is extreme, but having acknowledged that, to what extent does this reflect how you were brought up? What was its effect? Do you feel it was beneficial, harmful, or neither? For the parents reading, how are you bringing up your children, and do you believe in parts of Chua’s approach?

ABOUT ZAHIRA: Indian-American (or, on my bad days, American Born Confused Desi). Bibliophile. Coffee addict. Traveler, runner, and health nut. Inadvertent techie (I swear I got typecast). Card-carrying feminist and nerd. Gluttonous media consumer.

(Flickr photo credit: Liane Chan)

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http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

@Zahira @kevvy LOL the only article I could find was one on dog training:
http://www.examiner.com/pet-shelters-in-dallas/qualities-of-negative-reinforcement-vs-positive-reinforcement

I learned this back when I was getting my B.A. in Psychology at Claremont McKenna. It’s a behavioral psychology approach. Although I think the behavioral approach definitely has some pragmatic value, it doesn’t take into consideration advanced cognition and willpower. It’s really just a knee-jerk reaction technique, which means that it is really best applicable (in my opinion) to lower level cognition and skill. So I think the dog training example is actually quite appropriate. ^O^
Zahira

@TinaTsai @kevvy Somehow when I read articles like Chua’s, I always think about the learned helplessness dogs. Remember those dogs from your textbooks?
schema_magazine

Hmm I don’t agree with Chua’s husband either; kids DO owe their parents – for giving them LIFE! Even if kids don’t choose their parents, hey the parents didn’t choose to get a whiny kid either did they? I think you hit it right on the money with “cultural fossilization” It does seem that many of Asian descent here keep to old-fashioned attitudes even harder than those actually from those countries. I know plenty of 1st gens who definitely do not embody the hard-driving attitudes that supposedly all Chinese are raised in.
PhilipJon

@Zahira @Danny_Ahmed Discussing about it helps a lot. In fact, I find it to be quite cathartic.

Although I’m a frequent visitor to this site and have even posted before, this is the first time I have used my real name, like ever on the Internet.

I still resent the hell out of Amy Chua, but in a way, I’m glad she brought all these issues into the forefront.

With that said, it’s the first time that a written article has affected me. I mean, really touched upon a nerve. I think that’s why it’s the first time I have ever used my real name on the internet when writing something. Something about Chua’s article was traumatic, perhaps it made me relive some very unpleasant memories. It seems to have done that for a lot of Asian Americans, both male and female.
http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

I originally posted this article here as a response thinking that it didn’t get published on Asian Week, but here it is:

http://www.asianweek.com/2011/01/13/response-to-amy-chuas-why-chinese-mothers-are-superior/

I deleted the comment here so as not to seem to spammy.
Zahira

@TinaTsai No worries on the spamminess. We like your thoughts and contributions
Zahira

@schema_magazine I was thinking about cultural fossilization, and I like to describe it as “compensating for something”. (no, no, not in a sports car sort of way… but like an “I need to show people I’m [insert cultural group here] enough!)
Zahira

@PhilipJon @Danny_Ahmed I think we’re with you on this one — resenting her, having a nerve touched, and it seems this article pulled out memories long tucked away. Thanks for using your real name and sharing your thoughts with us.
DowntoEarth

I am caucasian American raising a Chinese American daughter so I like to keep up with the Chinese American community as much as I can. Before even adopting my daughter, I was struggling to understand how the children I was meeting seemed to be rude to their parents, disconnected to the world and felt totally entitled to everything they wanted. There was no working toward a goal that was in the future, except sports. I don’t want those kids over for playdates. There must be a midway between self-centered lazy brats and neurotic, overdriven, panicked nerds. If one takes the time to research different points of view of parenting (opposing as well) and then trusts their heart to be tough when required, and warm and fuzzy when needed, it will be the best one can do. It takes self examination on the parent’s part. Are you parenting out of pride, ego, arrogance, or soft, tired, exhausted, angry, beaten feelings? The best parenting no matter what kind, comes from calm, reflective, heart-driven, clear minded, well-rested, well-nourished, deep breathing people. We need writers with “outrageous” views to help us re-examine our own.
Zahira

You hit the nail on the parenting head when you said this: “The best parenting no matter what kind, comes from calm, reflective, heart-driven, clear minded, well-rested, well-nourished, deep breathing people. We need writers with “outrageous” views to help us re-examine our own.” It doesn’t come from ego, praise-mongering, or all the other negative places you mentioned in your comment. Very well-put.
Danny_Ahmed

@PhilipJon @Zahira I don’t think my comment got posted. It was a Buddhist story regarding painful memories. Did you all get it?
Zahira

@Danny_Ahmed @PhilipJon @Zahira I think I got a blank one from you, rather than your story
Danny_Ahmed

@Zahira @PhilipJon It’s slightly long, basically, the point of the story is that painful memories are like luggage from the past. Since it’s from the past, it doesn’t belong in the present, no matter how real it may seem at the moment. They’ll stay with you as long as you keep carrying them, so one has to learn how to unload. I was trying to give some encouragement for philipjon.

Of course, it’s harder than it sounds, but hardly anything worthwhile is effortless. Here’s the quick story.

Two monks, one elder and one younger, were walking through a forest when they stopped by a stream. There, they saw a young woman who’s foot was hurt and needed to get to her house as soon as possible to deliver medicine to her sick family members. The quickest way was to cross the stream. She needed help. The elder monk saw the urgency of the situation, and quickly carried her across. After doing that, it wasn’t long when the young woman reached her home. The younger monk didn’t do much since he believed strongly in the rule that monks shouldn’t physically touch members of the opposite gender, and in his mind, he was more enticed by the young woman’s beauty than her condition. As the two monks went on their way, the young monk kept on protesting to the elder one, how unorthodox he was and such. Despite the dire reasoning at the time. The truth was that the younger monk couldn’t shake off the young woman’s image. Just before they reached their destination, the elder monk stop and look towards the younger monk. He told him, “I already left the young woman quite a while ago when she reached her home, why are you still carrying her”?
Zahira

@Danny_Ahmed @PhilipJon Good story… so how does the young man let her go?
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Danny_Ahmed

@Zahira @PhilipJon That’s pretty much how the story ends. I’m assuming that there’s no 12-step procedure or program involved, not like what we have today. Probably just a lot of hard work, meditation, patience, etc. The point was that memories are like baggage from the past that needs to be unloaded because the don’t belong in the present.
http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

@Zahira thanks ^_^ I like the articles on this website ^_^
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Danny_Ahmed

@PhilipJon I thought about that comment regarding the Asians aren’t creative, Westerners are lazy or the many other silly stereotypes like brown people are violent and black people are dumb, etc. etc.

I used to be upset and it bother me a lot whenever I read or hear those things. Nowadays, I don’t care because it’s just plain nonsense. It’s like arguing with someone who thinks and insists the world is flat despite all the contradictory evidence to prove otherwise.

That’s probably the attitude we all should take whenever we see stuff like this. Stereotypes or questionable methods to raise kids, etc. Sometimes, it’s just plain nonsense.
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jjiang1989

that “inner confidence” you mentioned is based on knowing you can do something really well and knowing you’ve accomplished something pretty cool and impressive. I actually think the Western type of inner confidence is a lie.

Complimenting and inflating a child’s ego is, to put it bluntly, stupid and ineffective.

how about instead of telling a kid how awesome and smart they are, their parents help them become someone who actually IS awesome and smart. confidence should be based on hard work and diligence, not empty words and saccharine smiles.

I don’t completely agree with Chua’s parenting, but she’s got the right idea.
http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

@jjiang1989 There’s a well documented phenomenon in psychology named “self-fulfilling prophecy” after the literary device where people end up living to “inflated truths”. Also, research on African-American testing achievement has shown that lowered confidence did significantly lower scores. Over-inflating is definitely stupid, but a stretching of the positive truth can give a person that extra push to the top.
GoGo

@TinaTsai @jjiang1989 i agree that you don’t need to berate/belittle your child, or downplay his/her achievements, or rarely if ever praise them. that will result, if not in lowered self esteem, then alienation and resentment. however, thinking that you need to go the other way entirely – ie praising for non-achievements, telling the kid they are special just for merely existing, while a nice thought, when put into practice leads to the kind of self-entitled, narcissistic attitudes that are pretty rampant today among our generation (the facebook generation).
http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

@GoGo @jjiang1989 agreed, but I also hope our new generation of AAPI kids grow up to be more self-entitled and narcissistic. There’s so much pressure for them to be otherwise.

My mom’s 1st gen from Taiwan. She used to tell me I was a prodigy when I was a little kid, like “you can do this because you’re super smart” (got me to do all kinds of extra study work with that line), and I used to think, “Golly, if I’m so smart, how come all of this is so hard for me?” Later, when I was around 16, she reveals “Yeah, I never thought you were all that bright, just average at best, but I figured if I got you to believe you were smart, you could actually become smarter than you actually are.” How’s that for a tiger mom. Pretty sure this won’t work for every kid, but sure worked for me lol.
jjiang1989

@TinaTsai @GoGo lol, ouch. ;P

did that realization hurt? I was thinking of kids who go through life thinking they’re awesomesauce… and then harsh reality hits them in the form of a boss/manager/colleague/whatever. inflating truths only go so far.
http://tinabot.blogspot.com/ TinaTsai

@jjiang1989 @GoGo lol, ^O^ didn’t hurt a bit because I fulfilled her prophecy
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