It’s that time again! Halloween is just around the corner, which means it’s time to take a long, hard look at your closet or that store online that sells overpriced slutty costumes and realize that you have, once again, zero realistic options of finding something or someone to dress up as.
I mean, admit it: it’s hard enough to be an Asian American (or Canadian) as it is, but it’s even worse when it comes to dressing up for Halloween. Sure, you can be another Lady Gaga with a meat dress but then people would just think you’re some weird Asian girl (or guy) who decided to dress up as an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ dinner. “Oh, you’re supposed to be Lady Gaga? I thought you were the 10th round of Kalbi short ribs.” Yeah, how awkward would that be?
Maybe you thought about being the infamous Snooki from Jersey Shore? Good luck, because you’ll only look like a short Korean with a bad tan. As always, we here at 8Asians like to save the day and are proud to present some of our top ideas for 2010 Halloween costumes that both celebrate and deplore Asian Americans in pop culture. What better way to make a statement that screams, “WE EXIST, DAMMIT AND HERE’S HOW!” — even if that means highlighting some of the worst that our race can offer.
1. Tina from Glee: It goes without saying that having Tina on an immensely popular television show like Glee has been a blessing. Not only can fans experience a series that revels in singing, Broadway musicals, teen drama and dark humor, but we can also watch all of that with ASIAN AMERICANS. Sure, if you’re a guy, you can dress up like Mike Chang (played with gusto by Harry Shum, Jr) but then you’d just look like some slick Asian guy with hot moves. Come on — Halloween is all about standing out, so dig out that Gothic Lolita dress, glue some more lace on a tiny top hat and get some colorful punk streaks in your hair, practice that fake stutter and voila! You can easily Glee up your Halloween!
2. Tila Tequila: If there’s one way to sum up an Asian American trainwreck in a tiny 4’11” frame with fake boobs, we’d point our fingers at Tila Tequila. It’s been a wild ride so far for this petite Vietnamese lady (wait, is she still alive), whether it’s bragging about her [mis]fortunes, fake engagements, perpetual lies and getting hit with glass bottles at an Insane Clown Posse concert but on the plus side (for the rest of us), dressing up as Tila would be the best Halloween costume. Ever. All you have to do is walk out in your bra and undies with a short blonde wig while acting super crazy and drunk, and you’re set for the rest of the night. [EDITOR’S NOTE: For bonus points, get punched choked by a football player.]
3. Jon Gosselin: A couple of years ago, it was the funny thing to do by dressing up as a preppy and whipped husband with your blonde girlfriend as Kate, complete with a bundle of baby dolls for TLC’s former hit show, Jon & Kate Plus 8.
But the Jon we know now is a new man: bad hairplugs, Ed Hardy shirts, trashy girlfriends and a really ugly back tattoo of a dragon. This Jon Gosselin makes our eyes roll, but admit it: how awesome would it be to dress up as this douchebag for Halloween? The answer is TOTALLY.
4. Taiwanese Susan Boyle: How can you forget this chubby boy who wowed Taiwan (and the entire world via YouTube) with his rendition of Whitney Houston’s (but not Dolly Parton’s) “And I Will Always Love You”? Celebrate his amazing vocal skills by adopting his looks for Halloween, which should be pretty easy. All you need is a bowl cut, a black suit, a sweater vest and a red bow tie. And if any of your friends get confused when you tell them you’re Lin Yu Chun because they’re totally behind the times, just say you’re a parking valet. It’ll shut them up pretty quickly so you can move on and find new friends. Seriously.
5. Cigar Guy: Speaking of Internet memes, why not be totally up-to-the-minute relevant and dress up as the Cigar Guy? We’d be 100% behind that. Don’t forget, kids: it’s not a turban, it’s a wig! Really!
6. King Jong-Nam: It’s one thing to be the the son of North Korean’s Kim Jong-Il, but it’s a whole separate story if you’re best known for once trying to enter Japan on a forged passport for a trip to Tokyo Disneyland. Oh, and your younger brother is set to inherit your father’s place as the rule of an entire country–a spot that you once thought was yours. That’s kind of hilarious.* We’re envisioning wearing a gold chain and a military uniform while wearing forlorn Mickey Mouse ears.
7. Liu Xiaobo: Halloween is usually an excuse for girls (and guys) to dress really slutty for one night, but why not use the event to highlight serious concerns about human rights? That’s why we suggest you dress up as Liu Xiaobo, the recent recipient of the Noble Peace Prize who is currently imprisoned in China for his activism in promoting democracy. So costume wise, you can… um… wear black and white prison stripes and then drunk people at your friend’s Halloween party ask what’s up, you can launch into a speech about civil rights and political activism. It might be a total downer and maybe you’ll never get invited to that friend’s party again but DO IT FOR THE PEOPLE.
8. Tiger Woods: You think we wouldn’t talk about Tiger Woods for Halloween? I mean, come on. This was the scandal of the year…even CENTURY! America’s goody-two-shoes golfer–and one revered by every single minority imaginable– has turned out to be a total sex addict. The possibilities for costumes are endless, because not only can you just wear usual golfing clothes (khaki pants, polo shirt and Nike hat) but like, you can make it really slutty. Or something? Maybe? I need to think this one through.
What are your costume ideas for Halloween? Share your thoughts!